Today, I made my father some fried eggs and toast for breakfast. This isn't an ordinary morning. Most mornings are a rush to school and work. If I do have a morning off with no children the chores begin almost too immediately. As he finished, I grabbed the cleaning products and headed toward his room. Little by little I have battled the ghosts of their suite. There have been days dedicated to emptying bathroom cabinets and dresser drawers. Shoes have been donated. Clothes have found their way to people who will use them. Her collections have been broken into smaller pieces and found wonderful new owners. Some things are easy to give away because her true spirit was generous beyond measure. If you liked it and simply stated so...it became yours. I carry on her essence by giving things to the people who would want it. Some days I am strong and the mood hits me and I make my way back to the room to tackle another area. Other days I can't even walk through the door.
I have a birthday this week. My birthday meant that she would get a bouquet of flowers to thank her for giving me the chance to have birthdays at all. This year I got creative. I will clean some of the areas that have been to tricky to touch. They will be my gift to her spirit, my heart and to my father. I forget that he has to look at it all on a daily basis. I can avoid the room but he has to live within it.
The desk was a time capsule of who she was. I found photographs of all of the people she adored. Not only did she have some right there on display but more were tucked in other places. I gave them a proper home. My sister would be thrilled to know how many of her there were. My nephews and nieces as well. There were donation forms for the various groups she always managed to give to. I do not carry on this tradition to send money to Native Americans, paralyzed artists and the poor of every country...but I will find ways to follow her legacy of giving. There were cards never written...this year my Dad will already have his Halloween cards for the kids and I think Easter is covered as well. There was even a card written out to Mary to just say hi. She loved her dearly as we all do. A Hallmark coupon sat there for the next batch of cards she would buy. Next to it were the little samplings of handmade cards that she had in the works, too. Her various art supplies were scattered about the entire house at any given moment hoping to find a window of feeling well enough to create something. Her desk was no exception. She also has an odd collection of calculators which made me smile because I swear she was always needing a new one that "worked". The address book is worn and many of the names have been crossed out as we have said goodbye to dear friends and family but I will leave it there for him.
I dusted the desk and emptied the overflowing electric pencil sharpener. It would be much more convenient in a dozen other places but that is its home. I set out some new things that my father could use...not that he will...but it's just a little bit more his now. I took some notepads and post its because I could hear her yelling at me to use them. I didn't cry. Not a single tear this time. I was happy to be doing it for all of us. Some of you have recently lost people and you feel the weight of the grief. To you I say that it does get better. It's never really easy and the moments of despair will fool you like a cruel joke but it will indeed get better. You begin to realize they are with you more now than they ever were...right in your heart. But it is up to the living to honor them properly. Leaving their space a mess because you can't face the hard part is not doing that for them. I smile sometimes as I clean knowing that she is over my shoulder as she always was...only now I imagine what she would be saying instead of actually hearing it. Somehow I think I'm pretty darn accurate though.
Time seems to fly, drag and confuse all at the same instant...and we keep each other on our toes. Today, I felt mature enough to move forward and free enough to stay young all in one day. If I confuse time enough maybe he'll miss my birthday. ;)
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