Time to Say Goodbye

     I would like to thank you all for putting up with well over 700 blog posts and updates.  Let me explain my journey.  Not the part you know already...the sadness that led to the start of this very blog...but where I have gone on this road.

I am stronger than I ever thought I could be.  But,  I was also the biggest chicken,  afraid of what is on the other side of new.  The voices of doubt rang loud and true.  The new of the day was a means to create a vehicle to be brave.  It pushed me to be a better parent.  There are days when being a mother is the most frustrating thing I've ever known and in those moments it is easy to back away.  It made me present.  It made me creative.  It made me shine on my babies once again.  I have seen the difference in them and watched them grow.  There was some making up to do...for lost time, lost people and lost intentions.  They are the best I've ever done and only getting better.  But it also helped me make changes in my home, reach out to people who intimidated me, send emails, make calls, build bridges, rip down walls, and branch out.  Some days it just got me out of bed...or stopped the crying...or gave me hope. 

This "new" helped me to merge new lives with old, move on from past to present and find the me that had been tucked away.  The journey was sometimes messy.  The results weren't always terrific.  But the motive was never anything but kind.  In these 26 months of doing something new every single day I have grown.  Morphed.  Flown.  I have fallen.  Stumbled.  Crumbled.

I would like to thank those of you who made it a mission to join me, even if only for a bit.  My deepest appreciation goes to those of you who sent me goodies, emailed me ideas and took me to places that were foreign.

My thoughts are with those of you who reached back out to me with your own vulnerabilities.  We have discussed some of the biggest challenges of life with open hearts and open minds and I thank you for that.  You taught me to listen.  You taught me to share.  You taught me that women can be sisters.  We can be trusted to just be kind and loving because we are all one divorce, miscarriage, heartbreak, bout with cancer, or job loss away from one another.  We all feel ugly sometimes.  We all feel old and tired and worn but that little push from a friend, whether far or near, can sometimes be the thing to get us through. Doesn't matter if you are from elementary school or the next door neighbor.  A hand when you are falling down a well is the hand that is important that day. 

I would like thank the people who changed my oh so convinced mind of judgement and opinion and other various Virgo tendencies to knock it the hell off.  I like movies I swore I'd never watch.  I will taste just about anything.  I know that my fear is the only thing that stops me from succeeding in something I was previously scared to death of.  I know failure.  I have discovered many flaws and work tirelessly to fix them and I don't want to wait decades to do it.  I have also accepted the flaws that are just fine to be flaws.   I thank you all for the practice.  The process. The discovery.  The paths.  The doors...some closed, some open...but all a chance to change.  It is the process and the journey that is so important.  That is no longer a cliche. 

The training wheels have been sturdy and reliable but it is time for them to go.  Like a show that should quit while it's ahead, I feel it is time.  It is starting to work in the opposite direction and as I try to ride this bike on my own I don't need the bumpy path just yet.  I will opt for a smooth road until I am even better.

Now, before I go, I must say a few words about social media.  Facebook is like tv.  There are a bunch of channels but we don't have to watch them all.  We can tune in if we feel like it.  It is what you make of it.  I choose to use it as a means to connect with people I might not have been able to.  I tell people when I am thinking of them because let's be honest...it's always nice to hear.  I post pics so that far away relatives don't feel so far away for a bit.  I share ideas,  list menus, make jokes, and tell you what the theme of the day might be.  Sometimes I put up a quote that has touched me.  It is my daily journal because I have never seemed to get along with the paper type.  It is a means to remember all that has happened in this spinny ride I have been living.  It is a scrapbook without glue sticks, a diary without pages and a memory box without the clutter.  It isn't a highlight reel...it is my life.  Some days were bad and sad and negative because I was hurting or down or defeated.  Other days were celebrations of the beloved people in my life.  But the constant chatter of my wall is the everyday that I live...the good, the bad and every bit in between.  I have told a few people this quote, "Make Facebook your bitch!" and I mean it.  Be happy for those doing well.  Reach out to the little frowny face because it is someone's way of asking without saying a word.  But most of all be kind. Also, I have used it to be accountable.  For some reason, like a mantra said into a mirror in the morning, if I post something I feel more compelled to live it.  Those goofy quotes and ecards...well, maybe that day I needed to live the words not just read them, and in posting it I put my pressure on myself to be better.  The weight I once gave this tool to control me and my actions has now shifted.  Now I am in control of it.  Just as someone's words can only have an effect on me that I allow, so to is this relationship we can have with social media. 

So back to the goodbye...it is time.  My wiring is different now.  It was once impossible for me to think of one new thing to do and now I live out several per day...that was the goal.  I might have skipped the reunion because I am not the 110 lbs I was when I graduated high school.  I probably would have passed on meeting new people because my heart was wounded.  I would have stayed safe and tucked and timid...but I didn't.  I asked what would be uncomfortable for that moment in that day and then did it.  Uncomfortable is hard and it isn't the same anymore.  I find myself doing multiple new things a day and having to pick which I might talk about.  Maybe I edit or try to get creative with the story behind the new thing but then the new thing is no longer the focus.  I was starting to worry about the reaction of the reader instead of the purpose of the post and though I have had mostly support there have been some tricky spots that have hurt me.  Now, the writing of the new thing is more of the effort because I thrive on DOING THE NEW...not reflecting on it.  Maybe something new will grow out of all of this but my daily post of my new adventure has served its purpose well.  I have done so much in the past few years and I have so much more to accomplish.  But since the new is now the norm...the best new thing to do is to NOT write about it anymore.  A little twist in the movie plot I wasn't even expecting until a bit ago.  26 months of daily challenges and a post to accompany them...I think that is quite the accomplishment if I do say so myself.  But thinking a little bit differently each day than the day before is HUGE. There can be a grand adventure in the simplest of things and with the people closest to you.  A regular day no longer exists...they are all appreciated and a gift.  I didn't have the money, time or opportunity to eat pasta in Italy, pray in India or find love in Indonesia.  Maybe there were times my expeditions came across as lavish, selfish or extravagant,  but most supported my little zip code and the people I tend to daily.  I did it within the parameters of my job, my family and my responsibilities and helped and supported others as well.  I shook the giant sieve of life and now can focus on the treasure left in the basket.  Sometimes, the new was to let go of something, and now I purge constantly with a plan of creating the environment I choose to live in...not the one I had to live in.  While it might seem like the end of something...in reality, it is just the beginning.  Thank you again for your love and support.