Forgive the skinny girl, forgive the fat woman

     I was the girl who was made fun of for being a skinny geek.  My curls got me comments, my grades got me jabs, my clothing got me pokes of meanness...I get that part.  Kids suck and they find a target and run with it.  If only Glee was cool back then.  But I could blow my hair straight, get a couple of B's and stop wearing the jeans with the roller skate w real laces on my ass pocket.  To screw these things up for acceptance  broke my Mom's heart by the way.  Looking back I see why...they made me, ME.  But skinny?  Well, that was a tricky one.  I ate healthily, had a smaller frame and always just adored moving.  I swam all summer in my pool, dug into any game of manhunt I could join and competed in the double dutch contests.  I ran track, did some cheering and kicked ass at some volleyball.  I was the one girl left at the end of every gym class...not even dodge ball scared me.  I rode bikes, walked EVERYWHERE and joined my Dad for a little game of basketball in the back yard whenever I could.  I would like to thank the following for helping:  New York, competitive boys, bitchy girls, clothes lines coated in plastic, my pool, my coaches, my Mom's Sweatin' to the Oldies video, the stationary bike (that I used to study on while riding), visits to my sis in Philly,  White Plains Road, the many gyms I've belonged to and green peppers as snacks.
     Now, why the need for forgiveness?  Well, the girl with the poodle head, braces and no name clothes at least had something most girls didn't...she was thin.  Really thin.  I remember while sitting in church once my friend made a comment about my thigh next to hers.  I vividly remember her being mad at me for a bit because of it.  This trend continued for the next several years.  While other girls were growing up and out I just seemed to stay slight in stature.  While being measured for a quincaenera dress the seamstress made a fuss over the size of my waist... the other girls glared.   My sister often made comments about my weight and her challenges with food.  Girls don't like the skinniest one in the room.  I learned this the hard way.  I think I figured people would grow out of it as I grew up.  In college I continued to be active by taking aerobics as a gym class, working out like crazy and doing many outdoor activities.  I also became a lifeguard for several years and dated a fitness nut.  Grown women are even more cruel.  As a student teacher I worked with a fairly obese woman who made constant comments about my weight and punished me often with cruel words in other places.  It's not that I ever had bad thoughts about larger people...I just didn't understand how it was so hard to lose the weight they always complained about.    It wasn't that I looked down on them but  I  do believe it did go to my head for a bit.  I worked hard and was proud of my body. 
     Somewhere along the line I realized I was tired of having to work my way into being the friend of a woman.  The bigger I got the easier it became.  The snide little comments about being thin faded off.  I was no longer a threat.  Family and friends could feel better about themselves as I began to feel worse about myself.  It was a sad discovery...and one that I fed into.  Combine this with the new lifestyle I had created for myself and well...here I am...about 80 pounds heavier than I should be.   I made work, my house, my pregnancies, my children, my parents, etc  MY PRIORITY.  It was no longer ok to get up at 5:30 to swim, take time to sunbathe or go to the gym.  I had stuff to do.  Plus, you have a baby and your body is NEVER the same.  They don't tell you that part.  You truly do feel like a stranger.  I was still thin in my head and when I would see a picture of myself I couldn't believe it was me.   The excuses need to stop though.  Considering that my youngest is now five it's sort of hard to blame the baby for my body.  (They can still be blamed for stretchmarks and certain droopy body parts though). 
     I gave myself February to eat.  My own little version of the well known book you have all read.  I drank too much coffee, ate too many carbs and did almost nothing physical.  I have gained back the 20lbs or so that I lost this past year.  I allowed it though.  I tried new foods and new recipes as part of my healing.  Tomorrow is March and with it comes a new me.  I know I have to say I'm sorry though...to the fat girls I felt better than and the skinny girls I grew to hate.  I realize that the body does reflect the inner turmoils we all put ourselves through.   I have to say sorry to myself for letting anyone make me feel badly about my body then or now.  I have to realize that it's ok to put me back on the list. I have also realized that I have stopped looking at bodies....thin, fat, short and tall.  I no longer make judgements ...in fact I don't even see the body very often.  I see the person, the mind, the heart and the soul of the person.  Maybe now that I have learned the lesson from both sides of the fence I can move on to not having issues with weight.   Ironically, I grabbed Eat Pray Love today to read while waiting for my daughter to get out of school.  It was the final part of the first section in which she talks about gaining weight and not recognizing herself.  "I did not know what I deserved.  I still maybe don't fully know what I deserve.  But I do know that I have collected myself of late - through the enjoyment of harmless pleasures - into somebody much more intact.  The easiest, most fundamentally human way to say it is that I have put on weight.  I exist more now that I did four months ago.  I will leave (Italy) noticeably bigger than when I arrived here.  And I will leave with the hope that the expansion of one person - the magnification of one life- is indeed an act of worth in this world.  Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody's but my own."
      So after this long post (I am grateful if you made it to the end btw) my new thing of the day is to let the skinny bitch and the chubby mama become pals and maybe just maybe they can meet somewhere in the healthy middle.

Write my blog entry while sitting at my new desk in my new "office"

     I have been living in this house for over 4 years now.  It's larger than my old one and yet I seem to have less space here for some reason.  It was purchased with certain functions that were put before my own needs.  My parents needed a large space that was theirs and steps were NOT an option.  My two children needed bedrooms.  The kitchen was important as was a space to eat family dinners together.  I was on the bottom of the totem pole.  My bedroom has no heat/air.  The walls are only primed and the there is no door.  It is supposed to be a family room or art studio type space so it wasn't designed to be a bedroom.  The hallway outside of the bedroom has no flooring so a series of odds and ends carpets have been put down.  On either end of the landing is a door.  The doors lead to big open spaces with nothing but framing.   They are the cruel doors that lead to the spaces where bedrooms were supposed to have been created.  My children would have a large play area and their own rooms.  I was to have a beautiful new bathroom and the bedroom I had always dreamed of.  One with a window seat for reading books and a sunny corner for yoga.  It would be clean, organized and everything I always wanted.  This is not the case.  The doors stay closed to hide the unfinished life behind them.
      A few years back it was determined that the upstairs would not be the dream space I had imagined.  Trips to home improvement stores, design magazine subscriptions and all other planning ceased.  I needed a space to hide as my own.  I created a little space I called mine in the landing area at the top of the stairs.  It has my favorite blue comfy chair, a tiny table and a lamp.  Near the chair is a pile of knitting supplies if I should feel so inspired as well as a stack of books.  It is tiny but it is mine. 
     My challenge has been a place to organize and plan and do bills, etc.  Well, the other side of the hallway landing housed....wait for it....my litter box.  Today the litter was moved.  A desk was put against a wall.  A shelf was even installed complete with cute little boxes to organize my paperwork.  There is a place to hold pens and a tiny lamp and a drawer.  Maybe now I can clear the kitchen table of paperwork, sort out some storage downstairs and start to clean up the piles of stuff everywhere.   I can plan a budget,  type a resumé and scan my blogs.  Oh, the endless possibilities.  My children were even warned to stay away...but only after my daughter and a collection of Barbies had a fashion show with the cool new lights that highlighted their little outfits so perfectly.  And just like that the new space has passed the test!  Barbie, get lost I have a blog to write!

Attend a local musical production with Sandi

     I've been to many musicals.  I've been to shows at the Shawnee Playhouse.  I've even been there with Sandi...but never all three at once!  It was a lovely show with lovely company!  It was just what this day needed.   It was a series of songs from many different musicals - so the question is what tune will I wake up singing in the morning.  With a fun time like tonight I think in the morning it will be pretty easy to Let the Sunshine In.

Tackle the tooth fairy, solo

     This is my daughter's 9th tooth to be placed into the tiny Tooth Fairy pillow I bought for her when she was too little to even sit up.  I kept it for years... waiting.  The last several years have brought her extra visits for it seems the fairy has assistants...several of them.  In the morning I would be equally as surprised as she would count the money in her precious blue pouch.  This year only one of us will play winged pixie of dividends and I can only hope it is enough to keep the spirit alive...of both the fairy and the little girl.

Eat a Bánh mì

     When I watched the Great Food Truck Race I learned something new about food.  There was a Vietnamese sandwich that I was completely unaware of up to this point in my 38 years.  AND IT HAS CILANTRO.  How could I have been so ignorant to miss something that highlights the pure joy such as cilantro.  Today as I perused the menu for the usual familiar things I tend to stick with... THERE IT WAS!!!  It didn't dawn on me at first.  I was reading the description backwards for some reason almost as if it was setting me up for the taaaaa daaaa as I read the title.  I plopped my menu down, perked up in my seat and smiled at the new culinary adventure I was about to partake in. 
     It was wonderful.  Crispy baguette, crunchy cucumbers, tender ham and fresh herbs...mmmm mmmm.  I was truly excited.  I was proud that I branched out of my safe little zone of the known.  As I sat there devouring my new find I reflected on my challenge.  55 new things in and I am realizing how special it really is to just push yourself a little bit even if it's just getting me a mi. 

Host book club

     We are coming up on our book club anniversary.  It's usually at Tina's house.  Tonight I hosted for a change.  Instead of talking about the book for an hour, babbling about nothing for a half hour and taking two hours to pick the next book this is what we did...
     We talked about the book for about 8 minutes.  We ate brie and crackers, fruit and croissants and made fun of how fancy we got with the snacks this time.  We discussed PMS, motherhood, babies, women on scooter thingies and parenting.  We talked about yelling, apologizing and crying in front of our children.  We vented, we giggled and poked fun at our lives.  We did this for 3 hours.
      In our defense we did pick the next book rather quickly and even set up a plan of attack on discussion questions for next time...well, sort of.  That was before coffee and rainbow cookies. 
     Our group of 6 (the size fluctuates depending on availability) must have needed something.   We usually stay on task a bit better than this.  Not a whole lot better...but we at least try.  This time we really just kept talking and venting and listening.  There might have even been a tear or two.  Our group has been very busy lately.  The monthly meeting was bumped quite a bit and some missed the last Borders night so we were a little behind on everything.  Catching up on our own lives seemed to take priority over discussing the characters in our book.   Laughter and sharing bumped the plot of the twisted tale we had all read.  Though we all liked this book and found the story interesting...I guess it couldn't hold a candle to a night of real friends and the follies that follow them.

Hop around barefoot in the snow while singing Happy Birthday

     Today was a day I left the universe an opportunity to present something to me.    I attempted to eat at a new place that never unlocked the door.  It seemed to have missed the hours sign or the bright "OPEN" light in the window.  The rest of the day has been fairly typical.  Ironically, I was just bragging about how there are endless possibilities for my challenge.  It is in those moments the universe reminds you who really holds the power.  Just as we settle in for something or assume something is a certain way we are reminded of how small and tiny we really can be.  So, I waited...and waited...and nuthin'.
     I have a list of things if such a dilemma should arise.  Tonight was the night I removed my socks and headed out to the yard.  I've been putting it off.  I don't like the cold.  It felt like my very own but not as exciting polar bear plunge.  I decided that the feel of icy snow crunching beneath my toes was not enough...I had to sing too.  I went with an old standard.  One step was horrifying, two I almost quit...but by the third I have to say it felt pretty good.  Refreshing and cool...literally and figuratively.  I sang the whole song and headed back into the warmth of my stripey socks. 
     So what life changing lesson did I get from a minute in the coldness?  Well, sometimes something very simple can bring a new feeling or experience.  They don't all have to be huge.  Sometimes we just need to knock ourselves out of our comfort zone.  Each day should bring something that is uncomfortable.  That is one of my new vibes.  Did I do something uncomfortable today? Did I push myself to feel something new or release an old thought pattern?  Do people know how I truly feel?  You get the idea.
       It's funny but the first step really was the hardest...after that they were all just fine.  Now I can't believe I put it off this long.   Maybe the universe did put its hand in there after all.  Here I was thinking I was copping out by taking those steps in the snow.  Little did I know I just learned one of the biggest lessons of life and all while giggling and singing in my starry backyard.