I was the girl who was made fun of for being a skinny geek. My curls got me comments, my grades got me jabs, my clothing got me pokes of meanness...I get that part. Kids suck and they find a target and run with it. If only Glee was cool back then. But I could blow my hair straight, get a couple of B's and stop wearing the jeans with the roller skate w real laces on my ass pocket. To screw these things up for acceptance broke my Mom's heart by the way. Looking back I see why...they made me, ME. But skinny? Well, that was a tricky one. I ate healthily, had a smaller frame and always just adored moving. I swam all summer in my pool, dug into any game of manhunt I could join and competed in the double dutch contests. I ran track, did some cheering and kicked ass at some volleyball. I was the one girl left at the end of every gym class...not even dodge ball scared me. I rode bikes, walked EVERYWHERE and joined my Dad for a little game of basketball in the back yard whenever I could. I would like to thank the following for helping: New York, competitive boys, bitchy girls, clothes lines coated in plastic, my pool, my coaches, my Mom's Sweatin' to the Oldies video, the stationary bike (that I used to study on while riding), visits to my sis in Philly, White Plains Road, the many gyms I've belonged to and green peppers as snacks.
Now, why the need for forgiveness? Well, the girl with the poodle head, braces and no name clothes at least had something most girls didn't...she was thin. Really thin. I remember while sitting in church once my friend made a comment about my thigh next to hers. I vividly remember her being mad at me for a bit because of it. This trend continued for the next several years. While other girls were growing up and out I just seemed to stay slight in stature. While being measured for a quincaenera dress the seamstress made a fuss over the size of my waist... the other girls glared. My sister often made comments about my weight and her challenges with food. Girls don't like the skinniest one in the room. I learned this the hard way. I think I figured people would grow out of it as I grew up. In college I continued to be active by taking aerobics as a gym class, working out like crazy and doing many outdoor activities. I also became a lifeguard for several years and dated a fitness nut. Grown women are even more cruel. As a student teacher I worked with a fairly obese woman who made constant comments about my weight and punished me often with cruel words in other places. It's not that I ever had bad thoughts about larger people...I just didn't understand how it was so hard to lose the weight they always complained about. It wasn't that I looked down on them but I do believe it did go to my head for a bit. I worked hard and was proud of my body.
Somewhere along the line I realized I was tired of having to work my way into being the friend of a woman. The bigger I got the easier it became. The snide little comments about being thin faded off. I was no longer a threat. Family and friends could feel better about themselves as I began to feel worse about myself. It was a sad discovery...and one that I fed into. Combine this with the new lifestyle I had created for myself and well...here I am...about 80 pounds heavier than I should be. I made work, my house, my pregnancies, my children, my parents, etc MY PRIORITY. It was no longer ok to get up at 5:30 to swim, take time to sunbathe or go to the gym. I had stuff to do. Plus, you have a baby and your body is NEVER the same. They don't tell you that part. You truly do feel like a stranger. I was still thin in my head and when I would see a picture of myself I couldn't believe it was me. The excuses need to stop though. Considering that my youngest is now five it's sort of hard to blame the baby for my body. (They can still be blamed for stretchmarks and certain droopy body parts though).
I gave myself February to eat. My own little version of the well known book you have all read. I drank too much coffee, ate too many carbs and did almost nothing physical. I have gained back the 20lbs or so that I lost this past year. I allowed it though. I tried new foods and new recipes as part of my healing. Tomorrow is March and with it comes a new me. I know I have to say I'm sorry though...to the fat girls I felt better than and the skinny girls I grew to hate. I realize that the body does reflect the inner turmoils we all put ourselves through. I have to say sorry to myself for letting anyone make me feel badly about my body then or now. I have to realize that it's ok to put me back on the list. I have also realized that I have stopped looking at bodies....thin, fat, short and tall. I no longer make judgements ...in fact I don't even see the body very often. I see the person, the mind, the heart and the soul of the person. Maybe now that I have learned the lesson from both sides of the fence I can move on to not having issues with weight. Ironically, I grabbed Eat Pray Love today to read while waiting for my daughter to get out of school. It was the final part of the first section in which she talks about gaining weight and not recognizing herself. "I did not know what I deserved. I still maybe don't fully know what I deserve. But I do know that I have collected myself of late - through the enjoyment of harmless pleasures - into somebody much more intact. The easiest, most fundamentally human way to say it is that I have put on weight. I exist more now that I did four months ago. I will leave (Italy) noticeably bigger than when I arrived here. And I will leave with the hope that the expansion of one person - the magnification of one life- is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody's but my own."
So after this long post (I am grateful if you made it to the end btw) my new thing of the day is to let the skinny bitch and the chubby mama become pals and maybe just maybe they can meet somewhere in the healthy middle.
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