Purchase Converse All Stars

     I have somehow made it through life without a pair of converse.  I have owned many brands of shoes.  I had quite a shoe fetish for years.  It has slowed due to real life and money needs elsewhere so now I have to be a tad more selective.  This past year or so I have adored my discount rack pair of Rocketdog sneaks.  They are red/gray/black argyle low tops and my friends.  But they are getting tired and weary.  I have noticed most of my pals seems to still wear their chucks.  So today I headed to the store and found cute little lavender and gray plaid ones at half-price.  Double excitement.  I have upgraded from $13 to $17.  Watch out world!!!
     Today wraps up three consecutive and successful months of blogging.  I have not missed a day nor an adventure in my quest for the new.  What started out slightly daunting is now one of my biggest pleasures and tomorrow I can do it with a new spring in my step!
(Note to those of you toying with the idea of a new blog...hurry up already!!! The water's fine...c'mon and jump in!!!)

Have a book read to me in the kids' section of Borders by Jenne

     Four grown women met for their book club gathering tonight at Borders.  We discussed our book.  We drank our coffee.  We spent an hour or more figuring out the next pick.  I realized as the time grew closer to 10pm that I had no new thing.  Well I said we were "four grown women"...I didn't say we were mature.  We came up with a few silly ideas and settled on one.
      We headed to the kids' section and sat on the funny little doughnut seats.  Jenne picked up a book and read it to us.  It was funny and we acted like goofy children complete with "I cant see" whines and the like.  Hey not every blog post can be life changing.  So thanks Jenne, Virginia and Sandi for a fun night.  See you next time for our book-a-versary.  Oh and by the way...Jenne, thanks for today.  Virginia...I'm waiting.  Sandi...happy happy birthday. 

Find parts of me I didn't know existed and see them for what they are

     I am sitting here with new lungs to breath, a new heart to beat and a new brain to think brand new thoughts.  I was also worried with such a big day behind me that I hadn't done something "new".  My best buddy,  Jenne, reminded me that I already did my new thing of the day..."YOU are your new thing today".  I rambled through therapy, babbled through lunch with my son, found more time to spew at Jenne, sent a very big email, had a long talk tonight...oh and ran into the old boss that dumped my position.  It was a big day.  A day of self discovery.  A day of WOW.  Oprah calls them AHA moments...I had too many to focus on.  All I know is I feel like I was given pieces to the puzzle.  Please see my other blog for for the list of ways that I believed I got to this place. 
    Any way you look at it...she's right...so maybe I didn't knit a purple scarf today while chewing tobacco and bouncing on a pogo stick...but I did something much harder.  I found me after looking for 38 years.  And I had the nerve to say so.

Share some of my mother's words from a found journal

     I stood in the hallway asking what was next.  I had just talked to Fred about the death of his father.  Two major deaths in our worlds so close together.  I realized while speaking to him about his own loss...I hadn't even BEGUN to deal with my own.  The hallway is outside of my mother's room.  The room I would run into a dozen times a day for a million reasons.  I've been avoiding it.  If I HAD to enter at all it was out of necessity and was done so at a speedy pace.  Today...I was pulled in.  I breathed it all in for a moment and was led to the top drawer of her dresser.  As a child it was like a treasure chest that I felt lucky to dig through.  I don't know the last time I was in it.  I opened it and found a notebook that I have never laid my eyes upon.  It is a marble composition book, the kind you had in elementary school.  Only a few pages have writing.  The first entry is a poem with four parts.  Each one is dedicated to a season and the view and sounds from her porch.  Her writing is similar to mine or I should say mine is to hers.  Ironically, this past year I was writing seasonal poems myself.  The first time I was dipping back into poetry since childhood.  I figured out the timing of it all from a few clues in the last paragraph.  It was 1993.  My mother had been committed to the hospital for a period of time for an overdose.  This poem was part of her therapy. 
     My mother had broken down.  It wasn't the first time.  I believe my mother took on the weight of the world.  She absorbed emotions and fears and feelings from those around her.  She took them and carried them in the hopes that it would make the person lighter.  She held onto them and would crumble as the burden got too big for her weakened state.  I say I understand because I believe I do the same thing.   She would come back stronger each time.  She would be charged and ready for life and the next chapter.  I understand the breakdowns so much more now.  I see the patterns and numbness that are followed by some enlightenment and new attitudes.  I see how she grew wiser and calmer with each one.  How much she had truly released for the better.  This year has been a whirlwind of emotions concerning my mother.  I am seeing so many things differently.  I am realizing the selfless woman she could be, the selfish woman she tried not to be and the lapses in between where the two would collide. 
     I also understand the breaking down.  The numbness to mask the pain.  The "crazy" to feel something again.   The need to start anew and make clean and fresh habits for a life that HAD to change.  It is hard for a woman for we change within our own lives so often.  We go from daughters to women to wives to mothers.  In the dedication to each new role we lose ourselves.  Cliche or not...it's the truth.  Somewhere at the end of it we find solace in being all of the roles at once.  It doesn't come easy though and looking back at so many women I see that this breaking down is quite common.   But like the tree you prune in the fall...it will grow back more lush and healthier than ever.
     I will keep a page with her writing nearby as an inspiration because something tells me that she whispered to me today in the hallway to find it...

Wishing you time
to enjoy the little treasure each day holds.
Wishing you quiet
to be able to hear the stirrings of your inner self.
Wishing you laughter
to help surmount life's heartaches and disappointments.
Wishing you calm
to free you from problems and stress.
Wishing you dreams
to keep you going.
Wishing you friends
to bring you joy,
to warm your heart
and to make you feel at home in the world.

Take part in the building of a box kite

     If you know me at all you know I have a thing for kites.  Have for years.  I actually kept a kite in the trunk of my car for years while attending college.  If it was a windy enough day...I would just bust it out and let it fly.  It all started when I received my first dragon kite complete with 25 ft tail as a young child.  As a parent I have purchased many of them for my children.  But today we constructed one from scratch...a box kite.  I've never done this before, nor flown one so I was pretty excited (especially after the especially tough weekend I've been having so far).  My kids each decorated a large roll of paper and I was so kind as to help out with the other pieces that needed decoration.  We assembled them with the help of the kite master, John...using dowel rods and tubing and tape.  They are pretty darn cute and we were all smiles at our accomplishment on this relaxing sunny Sunday. 
     The magic for me with kites goes back to the endless optimism I've seemed to possess.  On a clear, warm day it's easy to do a multitude of outdoor things.  It's the windy day that's tricky and yet that's the day you WANT in order to fly your kite.  The conditions are not "perfect" but they are necessary.  It's also sort of magical to take this object and get it to fly.  You hold on with just a string letting it sway and zip about with the breeze.  You have to hope for a steady calm wind, a delicate landing and a string with no tangles.  It doesn't always work out that way.  Sometimes you have a crash landing and the damage is unrepairable.  Other times you can mend a minor tear or crack.  There are even times when you can start from scratch and build your own.  Whether you purchase a top of the line expensive kite or a cheap five and dime type...the risk is the same.   There is risk...but in the risk comes the magic of the flying.
     The kites are still safe inside as it seems today's conditions weren't the best.  Since it is spring we will wait for the optimum blustery day.  It will take a big wind to hold these kites up...they are substantial.  My only concern is that the time that went into them will seem a waste if they crash to the ground.  Just picking up a dollar store kite might be easier on the spirit but maybe just maybe we wouldn't have run as fast, hoped as much or tried as hard.  Here's to wishing there is a day with the right gust, an energized child, a strong grip and sweet and safe landing.  Here's to a windy day to make the kites fly and the spirits soar.   Sure a beautiful calm sky is nice but it's not as exciting, colorful or bold as a sky holding up the wonder of a kite...

Say goodbye to Poppyhans

     There is a lot to be said about the man that can create a long line to the church door.  A town practically shut down today to honor Brian Peck.  Friends and family gathered and laughed and cried while reminiscing about Hans.  He was called an amazing father, a best friend to his wife, a hard worker and the man with the biggest heart and even bigger smile.   We heard funny tales about fatherhood and were reminded that his laughter would live on in the laughter of his sons.  His boys spoke of the devoted and kind father that they were lucky to have.  It was summed up in a quote by Caitlin that if the boys were half the father that he was then their children would be lucky. 
     I have watched little boys grow up into the men that they are today.  They work hard.  They play hard.  They honor their parents.  They respect the women in their lives.  They are best friends and devoted brothers and sons.  You've never received a better hug from anyone.  They hunt, fish, camp and hike...respecting nature always.   They laugh...OH, they laugh.  They value holidays and traditions.  They make time for what is important.  They are loyal and honest to a fault.  They are brave and blunt.  They are kind and tender.  Family always comes first.  They will argue for something they believe in but never turn their backs if they disagree.  They drink and eat with vigor.  They are smart.  They are compassionate.  They are sports freaks.  They are funny.  Hysterically funny.  They grow amazing gardens.  They cook.  They forgive.  They love. They make the time count.   Brian is responsible for so much of this and though his time was cut drastically short...the time was well spent.  Quality not quantity.  He will be missed by many but for my children will always be a sweet story, a big smile, a loud laugh and an uncle away. 

Find the kitchen table

     My Mom has been gone for 3 months now.  Some days I am great and relieved that she is free of pain and worry for the first time in her 75 years.  Other days I hear her calling me from down the hall or grab an extra plate to set the table because I have not accepted it yet. 
     The kitchen table has been buried since she left us.  It is covered in piles...some sorted carefully and some thrown in a heap.  There are catalogs that need to be canceled (my prior post on this subject was only a fraction of them).  My mother donated to EVERY cause under the sun.  I have been handwriting little notes to them to update them on their biggest supporter.  I have a pile of bills to pay.  My 84 year old father knows NOTHING of paying bills and even less about how credit cards work.  I will explain and organize yet again but he'll forget soon enough and I'll have to start all over again.  There are medical issues, funeral papers and all sorts of newsletters from the bereavement group.  Tax time is coming.  Budgets need to happen. 
    I also wrote notes of thanks, called many people and tried to help figure out the future for all of us left here in the mess of it all.  I have lots to do.  I cook in a kitchen that faces the table.  I walk by it to feed the bird.  I see it every morning when I drink my coffee and say goodnight to it as I lock the door.  Today, after 3 months I tackled a good portion of it.  I filed and clipped.  I sorted and purged.  I found the table. 
     The optimist in me needs to remind you that we have a lovely dining room.  We sit every night at the table as a family and talk.  There is no more tv at dinnertime.  In fact, with that table blocked up the tv is rarely on at all.  This makes me very happy.  It takes 3 months to make a new habit so if the new one is to enjoy each other at mealtime without distraction then it served its purpose.  It was time to dig in and clear some more space for the present.  I feel lighter already.  Plus like a woman who still blames the 3 year old for baby weight...I couldn't keep using anything as an excuse for the table being hidden.  I found the table.  I found some relief.  I found some peace.  Now I just need to find the TO DO list because it is buried somewhere on the counter....

A Yankees Fan pays tribute to a Mets fanatic

     I grew up in the Bronx.  I went to my first Yankee game at the age of 6 or so with my Dad.  It was Bat Day (Chris Chambliss) and I came home with a pennant, Bucky Dent button and a new visor.  I have pictures somewhere wearing all of it along with my light blue t-shirt and toothless smile.  We were close to the stadium and I was, am and always will be a Yankees fan.
     Asking a Boogie Down chick to care about the Mets is unheard of...but today I will make an exception.  I just spent some time researching them.  I now know about the logo and colors and what inspired them.  I know some stats and some history and where they played.  I will let the rivalry go in honor of a special man who adored them so.  Brian Peck was a fan...a huge one...and not because he was from New York but just because he loved them.  That always made it a little bit more special.  I've always wondered about the fan who supports a team just because.  We would tease each other about the teams.  I would stress that I HAD to be a Yankee fan because it was my stomping ground.  We oozed the Yanks from our pores.  I would ask why a man from the middle of PA could love a team from Queens with so much passion.  He just simply loved them.  I'm sure he had a million stats to back up his reason or a few key players he respected.  Yep, we battled out budgets and the like in many a conversation.  Deep down as we would poke fun at one another, each remaining true to the pin stripes or the "amazin"teams that we fought for...I truly respected a man for his passion.  It took moxy to like a team like the Mets.  It took spirit and devotion and patience and love....looking back I guess those are some of the attributes that a man possessed for more than just a baseball team in orange and blue but for the team he called his family. 
Rest in peace, Brian Peck...and enjoy the best seats at every game!

Wheat Berries With Winter Squash and Chickpeas

     In one's quest to eat healthier the inevitable question is, "What the hell is a wheat berry?".  I thought I knew enough about food through my vast knowledge of Top Chef jargon, food channel education and a lifetime of recipe books and restaurants but there's always something new to learn.  On this miserable snow day a few days into "spring" we busted out the wheat berries.  The New York Times and a love of fresh herbs led us to a dish full of yummy health.  High in protein and fiber and low in calories, not to mention vegan...this is one delicious soup/stew (or as Rachel Ray calls it - stoup). 
     This brand new food item was a huge hit with every creature from the bird to the Pop Pop and made me appreciate just a few more days of chilly weather.

Watch the movie One Week

        I leave some days open.  Today was one of them.  I ask the universe to remind me of my mission.  Tonight, I randomly turned to a channel where a movie was just starting.  It captured me immediately.  It is called One Week and it is about the diagnosis of cancer and how a man spends his time dealing with it.  There is even mention about listening to the universe.  For me this was a whisper within a shout. 
      The movie ends with this narration:  "When you get those rare moments of clarity...those flashes when the universe makes sense you try desperately to hold onto them.  They are the lifeboats for the darker times when the vastness of it all... when the incomprehensible nature of life is completely elusive.  So the question becomes (or should have been all along), what would you do if you knew you only had one day, one week or one month to live? What lifeboat would you grab onto.  What secret would you tell?  What band would you see?  What person would you declare your love to?  What wish would you fulfill?  What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee?  What book would you write?" 

Start the book club selection, "The Year of the Hare"

     Sorry, can't talk now....I have a book to read.

Early Sunday morning and some Dance Central

     We just bumped the early morning Sunday routine for a little sumpin' sumpin' different.  We've had Dance Central for days just waiting to be ripped open and utilized.  This morning on a sunny Sunday morning we did just that. 
     I expected to do a little shrugging and maybe some hip turnouts.  I had NO IDEA I would be doing the crossing guard, some sky taffy, and some light bulb.  When I could finally get the dance moves down the names were making me giggle, especially when Em and I found it helpful to shout them out as we danced.  I have to say for first timers I think we did a'ight. 
    I couldn't help thinking about dancing with Tina back in the day.  There were actually a few moves that seemed choreographed by Tina AND Frank...my dancing duo buddies.   I will have to get my girls Gabby and Tina over here to Supah Man, Robot and Look 4 U.  In the meantime, I am kinda excited about a fun new way to burn some calories without feeling like yet another workout.  I miss dancing.  It was a huge part of my life for a very long time and now I can go to the club in my pjs whenever I feel like it!!!

Party at Mudworks Pottery!

     As if I couldn't think two women could rock even more...JoAnn and Leigh Ann created a pottery party at the Mudworks Studio that was just amazing.  I had no idea how organized, fun and creative an event like that could be.  Five little girls sat down to their very own set of tools and slabs of clay.  They were taught the process of making a mug from start to finish.  It was fun to see all of the design ideas that each came up with.   I don't think I have ever seen a group of little girls concentrate so much.  First, they cut out the form of the mug from a template.  Next, they designed it with endless possibilities and lots of goodies to help create their vision.  Assembly came next and though it was a tad tricky they did just fine.  Bottoms and handles followed.  Making the handles was a fun little event in itself.  They picked their glaze colors and left their newly formed vessels in the safe keeping of the studio for some kiln time.
     Yummy cupcakes from Kitchen Chemistry (if you haven't had there treats yet...you NEED to) and a pottery demonstration wrapped up a wonderful two hour event.  I call it an event because this was no regular party.  It was full of learning, laughter, creativity and FUN, FUN, FUN.  The girls were thrilled and couldn't stop raving over the afternoon.   JoAnn and Leigh Ann really outdid themselves...but then again they seem to do that constantly.  I didn't think I could respect two cool chicks more but low and behold I can!  They were a wonderful team and made for a really terrific day.  I would love a reality show called Slinging Mud starring this unique duo and the rest of the crew but until they become famous I will enjoy the privilege of getting to work with them.   Sure, the girls will get to take home a beautifully handcrafted keepsake from their friend's 9th birthday but something tells me they took so much more than that with them.  Their hands formed the clay... but Mudworks formed the memory.

Flip Ethan's cool bed

     I had a few solid hours today to clean up the kids' room.  I know, I know...it was gorgeous out but it's not everyday you get a chunk of time to dedicate to the massive project that it was.  A few years ago he got a bed from Ikea that can be used two different ways.  You can have the bed down on the floor  with a cool canopy on top complete with starry effect OR you can flip it and have the bed up top like a high bunk.  We went to Ikea recently and he fell in love with a bed that he saw.  When I explained that it was HIS bed but flipped he was SO excited. 
     So today (all by myself) I flipped the bed.  I made the little nook underneath an awesome spot for cars/trucks and a city rug.  A pirate ship and treasure chest might even be hidden under there.  There is a floating globe and a few "flying" aircraft.  Maybe, just maybe there is a map on the wall, too.  Yep, I got all teacher  on that room today.  I moved, dumped, tidied, organized and cleaned.   I caught spring fever today and later this week when it's snowing again we'll be so excited to take a new adventure in our new little world under the bed.

A Day of many firsts with Em

     It was hard to focus on just one thing today especially when we had a few different new things.  We kicked off our new with a wonderful meeting at school to discuss Emily's GIEP.  As I sat at the table of women bragging about my kid I felt very blessed and appreciative.  I also felt very proud.  But I've talked your ear off about that enough...you get the idea.  I picked her up from school and told her we were having a Girls' Day to celebrate.  She was quite excited.  First we headed to the mall to shop at Justice.  This was a new thing for us.  We were given a gift card from dear Jenne so Emily spent quite a bit of time deciding.  We are sure to head back for some more spring items very soon to spend the gift card from the Whites.  She is hooked.  After strolling around...just the two of us...with no rush or hurry (that's a new thing in itself) we headed to dinner.  We found a cozy little booth to in which to share some goofy conversation and the biggest piece of mile high mud pie ever.  The sweet waiter even added rainbow sprinkles...like he knew or something.  Also a new event, btw.  Then, we came home to walk.  We threw on some comfy clothes and grabbed the pooch and headed out for our first spring walk of 2011.  Sprouts of green poking through the soil and several bugs confirmed that spring was here.  We snuggled and watched our Idol (nothing new there folks, c'mon....I raised this child on Idol).  BUT, we did enter our first ever entries in our mother/daughter journal.  I read about this idea somewhere and loved it and I think it will be a wonderful adventure for us both. 
     SO, all in all a full day of firsts.  Did I feel guilty about an afternoon of spoiling the girls while at home the pooch was crated, Pop was eating alone and laundry and dishes were piled high??? Nope, hey...look at that... ANOTHER first!!!

"Dance on Broadway" for the Wii with Emily

     Some days are easier than others.  This one was particularly challenging in many, many, oh so many ways.  BUT...I knew I had a little something to brighten my day waiting for me.  Emily and I were having GIRL TIME and tonight we did it up right with some Dance on Broadway for the Wii.  The timing was perfect since just mere weeks ago we attended a local theater's production of Broadway songs complete with dance numbers.  When we saw the list on the back of the box we knew this would be a fun new way to blow off some steam, have some giggles and hey, if I burn a few calories it's a win, win, win.
     So we came out of the gate with All That Jazz which led to Roxie and Cabaret.  We slipped in some Good Morning, Baltimore, Let the Sunshine In and Fame.  We did a cool down with My Favorite Things and ended on the quick paced and crazy, Time Warp.  We still have many left to check out and lots and lots of practice before our big recital.  Tickets will be expensive!
     The best part of it all was how truly excited my 9 year old daughter was to have "girl time".  I do remember some squealing as she bounced about saying, "Girl time!!!!" over and over.  One of her little classmates even called and she cut her off about 10 minutes in to say she had to go.  (So we could continue our dance-a-thon). 
     It seems like just yesterday I was dancing around singing  "My Favorite Things" to soothe a tired baby.  Now we were dancing to it together and she didn't realize it but she was soothing a tired mama.

Scan some old college pics of Cabash and Orientation Crew

     Jon Vena...or as we just called him, Vena, put me up to the challenge of scanning some old photos and posting them on facebook.  I took the challenge.  As the scanner swiped the youthful faces of yesterday I began to feel odd.  They seemed like scenes from a movie I saw a long time ago.  Then I realized...sadly...it WAS a long time ago.  Half of my life ago.  Poof! 
     These pictures are of two very unique groups.  One of the groups was called CAB (Campus Activities Board).  We were in charge of entertainment on campus and sometimes off.  Comedians, musicians, bands, ski trips, whitewater rafting, etc...it was ours.  We had a budget and various committees and we worked tirelessly as volunteers with a mission to make college life at little ESU more interesting.  We went from a cold nasty trailer on the quad to a deluxe apartment...errr.....office in the sky.  We went on trips to acquire the newest talent and we did ok come to think of it.  We found up and coming people to come to our little town.  You may have heard of a few like Chris Rock, Jay Mohr and Dave Chappelle.   We drove them around in our piece of shit cars and made them stay in cement dorms.  Kinda funny now to think about it all.  We were a crew that made everything funny, exciting and nuts and we celebrated that crazy attitude any minute that we could. 
     The other group is the Orientation staff.  We were the chosen students to represent the diverse population of our fine university.  We went through vigorous training to prepare for our role as the first impression of ESU to a new group of students and their families.   Though we only spent months together they were some of my closest bonds through all of college.  I miss my UCB!
     So much has changed.  I would have sworn back in those days that we would never have lost touch with one another.  Thank goodness Facebook was so kind as to find some of us for one another.  Maybe if we keep looking we can find some of the others.  But to those of you I have spoken to...thank you.  Thank you for helping me find my voice,  tons of laughter and a spirit that might not have grown brighter had I not known you.  Some of those years were quite rough and it was nice to have a place to feel at home.  It was nice to know people who  had like minds and matched personalities and a collective sense of humor.  I probably wouldn't be the same person I am now.  There is so much I would change about college...so many things I would do differently but YOU, oh CAB and UCB...YOU would stay JUST the way you were!  Now, if only I could find my Garth wig...

Listen to Keith Jarrett during dinner thanks to Chris

     My dear friend, Chris Busk, sent Emily some music for her birthday.  Tonight while dining we listened to Keith Jarrett's "The Melody at Night, With You".  It made for a very nice dinner.  Chris is the guy who can give you the background of a musician as well as funny little anecdotes and tidbits of information about them.  He is music...he plays it, he listens to it and I'm sure he writes it as well.  He is our very own minstrel at every event he attends.  He tunes my guitars whenever he is around.  When other people are buying gadgets or clothes...he is purchasing instruments.  He plays by ear and that has always mystified me. 
     I look forward to the days when we are all older and he and Emily can sit around with a piano and a guitar or upright bass.  When he can start to explain the feeling that goes into the music beyond the notes or tempos.  Maybe we'll be able to attend some concerts together.  Maybe our dinner parties will have the best live music ever.  Lots of maybes but one thing is for sure...the music made our dinner very nice and I believe it made the meatloaf taste a little bit better. 

Read "Life after God" by Douglas Coupland

     This book was given to me as a birthday gift this past September by my friend, Ryan.  It's been here on my nightstand waiting to be read.  I have noticed the universe sending me messages (not to sound too crazy).  Themes are developing.  Today I needed something from the universe.  I also needed my new thing for the day.  I sent out the question and without hesitation I knew it was time to read the book.  I just read it from cover to cover in about 2 hours.  I not only loved it and all of its tales but I'm letting it speak for itself.  Spoiler alert:  these are direct quotes from the book.  If you've read it, it'll remind you of how wonderful it is.  If you haven't maybe it will inspire you to read it.  If you just want some things to think about...well, here they are.  Please excuse quote and grammar rules because it's late and I'm sort of tired. Oh and Ryan...THANK YOU!
    "Now:  I believe that you've had most of your important memories by the time you're thirty.  After that, memory becomes water overflowing into an already full cup...and that all of her memory would then be used up in sadness and dead ends and being hurt, and at the end of it all there would be...nothing-no more new feelings."
     "Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound...and then sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder - people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world - or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."
     "Time ticks by; we grow older.  Before we know it, too much time has passed and we've missed the chance to have had other people hurt us.  To a younger me this sounded like luck; to an older me this sounds like a quiet tragedy."
     "When you're young, you always feel that life hasn't yet begun - that "life" is always scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays - whenever.  But then suddenly you're old and the scheduled life didn't arrive.  You find yourself asking, "Well then, exactly what was it I was having -that interlude - the scrambly madness - all that time I had before ?""
     "My mother comes to visit and she talks while she washes my dishes.  She does not see things the way I do.  She says that your mother is young and will see things differently after a while.  Just hang in there.  She says that what we are going through is common in couples and one of the great points of life - but is survivable.  She scrubs and puts order into the chaos.  She says:  "First there is love, then there is disenchantment and then there is the rest of your life. " And I say, "But what about the rest of your life - what about all the time that remains?" And she says, "Oh- there's friendship.  Or at least familiarity.  And there's safety.  And after that there's sleep." I think to myself: How do any of us know that it's going to end up like this?  That this is all there was maybe going to be?  I say, "Oh God."  Any my mother says to me, "Honey, God is what keeps us together after the love is gone.""
     "And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one.  You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
      "Yet how often is it we are rescued by a stranger, if ever at all?  And how is it that our lives become drained of the possibility of forgiveness and kindness - so drained that even one small act of mercy becomes a potent lifelong memory?  How do our lives reach these points?  It is with these thoughts in mind that I now see the drifter's windburned face when I now consider my world - his face that reminds me that there is still something left to believe in.   A face for people like me - who were pushed to the edge of loneliness and who maybe fell off and who when they climbed back on, our world never looked the same."
     "And then suddenly I realized that I was feeling -well, that I was actually feeling.  My old personality was, returning.  Just the littlest bit- but my essence was already asserting itself, however weakly at this point.  I felt a lump in my throat,  and I spent the rest of the day walking around this strange and beautiful city, remembering myself, what it used to feel like to be me, before I switched myself off, before I stopped listening to my inner voices."
      "And that is my story until now.  Her I now lie, on my stomach, looking out at the dark wet world, pulling the blanket tighter around me,...knowing that this is the end of the some aspect of my life, but also a beginning - the beginning of some unknown secret that will reveal itself to me soon.  All I need do is ask and pray."
     "Now - here is my secret: I tell it to you with an openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words.  My secret is that I need God - that I am sick and can no longer make it alone.  I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond able to love."

Celebrate Emily's 9th Birthday

     It was a lovely day.  A lovely day, indeed!

High Waters

     It was warm today with little pieces of sunshine bursting through.  We could hear the rush of the water from our yard.  So today we took a walk to watch the gushing little pond and creek create new paths in which to rage.  That wasn't enough.  We hopped into the car and searched out the aftermath of the rains.  We looked upon the playground that we probably would've taken advantage of today.  The water level was almost up to the high swings.  We went to the bridge to watch the yoohoo churning and whirling and pounding by us.  We listened to the peace of the puddles and the loud of the creeks.  And we took photographs. 

Say hello to Duck Sauce, Soy's buddy

     Ethan was sure to bring Duck Sauce home tonight after having Chinese for dinner.  I tucked him into the bunk beds (wrestling head gear) along with his pal Soy Sauce.  I hope he doesn't snore because Soy gets cranky if he doesn't get his rest. 

Treat 2 of my favorite girls to a day in the city!!!

     We did so much in one day that it felt like a week.  I needed to honor Mary for the amazing woman that she is and my daughter for making me so proud this year and what better way to do it than a day in NYC.  With a birthday on the 10th and 12th it was just too perfect.
     First stop was St Patrick's Cathedral (Ash Wednesday and all).  It was amazing to be able to show them that gorgeous structure that I had taken for granted all those years.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that what was  just regular for me growing up is pretty darn special for the others who did not have that chance.  The stream of tourists reminded me.  People from all over the world snapping photos all day snapped me back to a kid bouncing through the streets of Manhattan. 
     We cruised through Rockefeller Center for a peek at the ice and a photo with the flags on our way to a warm breakfast at McDonald's.  We all know the woman needs her coffee!  This little break prepped us for what was about to happen.  The Amercian Girl store....
     The revolving doors brought us into a world I had not known existed.  I've heard of the place but had NO IDEA.  My (almost) nine year old's face throughout made it all worth it.  We took in the history, checked out the outfits and laughed quite a bit.  At one point when we found earrings for the doll I made a joke about taking her to Piercing Pagoda at the mall.  Our laughing fit went on for some time and we were shushed by the child only to find out at the register that we had to take the doll to the salon for a piercing.  Mary's reaction to this was one that will stick with me forever when I am in need of a laugh.  The entire event was an SNL skit in the making.   My daughter was thrilled and I have to say I didn't mind watching my (growing up so quickly) little girl have so much adoration for a doll. 
     A brisk walk down 5th Avenue beyond the diamonds and models and couture brought us to our next destination...FAO!  I told the children their heads might explode so we were prepared for anything.   A parent enjoys certain moments and THIS was truly one of them.  The wonder of it all was not lost on these little guys.  We scoured every aisle and corner of the store and took photos of the lego wookie, etc. Ethan came out with handcuffs and a sheriff badge...only my kid would find those essentials in a store like that. 
     No trip is complete without a slice of pizza.  This was followed by a walk through Times Square to our theater.  After all of this it was funny to finally reach the destination that sparked the entire birthday trip...Wicked at the Gershwin.   The morning had brought us so much excitement that we couldn't imagine it getting any better.  But OH, did it!!!
     It was the first Broadway show for the three of them and my first time seeing Wicked.  I now see why people go back time and time again.  It was truly amazing.  Truly.  Amazing.  Amazing.  Truly!
     Oh and let the record show that though Mary had to run across the street for a hot dog from a cart at one point...I spent the entire Ash Wednesday in NY...MEATLESS.  Wasn't easy. 
     As we drove by the staples of the city I loved watching them take it all in.  Buildings that my Dad had helped make beautiful were right there in front of us.  Places I have been to time and time again felt new and different with my new guests.  Some things have changed...NY is a prettier city than ever before.  Cleaner and friendlier.  The stores are a sight to behold and the people are larger than life.  The pizza smells still stop you in your tracks.  We walked for quite a bit without complaint of little legs being tired or feet getting sore.  There is an energy in the city that feeds you as you pass along the sparkling sidewalks and gorgeous buildings.  This day was perfect.  It was everything I wanted it to be for my new tourists.  A seed has been planted as was demonstrated on the way home with plans for future adventures pouring from their mouths.  We waved goodbye to the Empire State Building and promised the island we would be back again soon!

Fat Tuesday with Mary

     I was teasing myself for picking the month of March to eat better....c'mon with a name like "Fat Tuesday" that was a hard one to honor.  Actually, we did ok.  I met Mary back in 1993.   We have been many things to one another through those years.  I was the girlfriend of her first born.  I was the wife of her first born.  I made her a grandmother.  She fed me ice chips and wiped my sweaty brow through labors.  She was my financial advisor, my coach, my stylist, a soul mate  and my drinking buddy.  We've danced, toured museums, cried and laughed together for years.  Many of them.  Through all of it she was one of the few people I truly couldn't get enough of.  I have begged her for years to retire in my neck of the woods.  Whether we are sitting there drinking coffee or watching a Broadway musical we are having a blast TOGETHER.  She is witty and funny and zany.  She makes the difficult manageable and the easy an adventure.  She has compassion and grace and patience beyond belief.  She has been a second mother and the best grandmother ever.  We are more alike than we realize and different enough to bring color to each others worlds.  She has been SO many things to me but a best friend is the most accurate title and I am truly blessed to have her in my life!!!

Dine at Rios Brazilian Steakhouse with the Mudworks crew

     I got to sit with a real live caveman or two this fine evening.  They couldn't decide on which meat to eat so they ate all of them.  You name the cut of beef it was there and then add some turkey, chicken, lamb and pork to the mix.  I think I ate more meat tonight than I have the past few months combined. 
     The funniest part was when the young waiter (think Brazilian John Mayer) came over and offered his spicy sausage to Leigh Ann.  He threw in a few eyebrow lifts for flirty measure and when it came time to take the picture with his tasty meat she seemed just a tad flustered. 
     The  company was wonderful, the food was yummy and the laughs were plentiful.  We needed a night like this... just prior to leaving for our fun little dinner we BOTH discovered that our basements were flooded.  Nothing we could do at that moment so we headed down to Rios to  drown ourselves in meat instead of nasty basement water.  

Say "good morning" to a packet of soy sauce

     Yesterday we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant.  My five year old (the hoarder in the making) decided he needed to keep a packet of soy sauce.  He held it in his hand for most of the remainder of the day.  I found it cute that he wanted to tuck it into bed.  It found its nesting place in the ear of headgear and its blanket was a sock.  We said goodnight to soy sauce.  I assumed that was the end of it.
     This morning I was greeted by my adorable son and his cheery smile AND the packet of soy sauce to which I was instructed to say good morning.  "Good morning, Soy Sauce!".  He said that he slept well.  I also went on to find out that he is ten years old, used to wrestle and enjoys playing chess.  Who knew a packet could lead such a full life.  We were very careful to keep him safe in his pocket when we ate the leftovers for lunch because the table is a dangerous place for a packet of soy sauce. 

Watch my child perform in her first piano competition

     The theater was full of little girls in plaid, buns, bows and pearls.  They had done this before...many were seasoned performers.  They had a bow complete with hand flourish.   We were the new kids and boy did we feel like it.  Or at least this Mom did. 
     I sat there wondering if I should have dressed her differently or made her hair fancy.  I was hoping  that 45 minutes a day of practice and an hour lesson a week was enough.  Should she have started before the age of 7?  Many kids were home schooled.  Was I doing enough??? I then realized these doubts were my own.  Not hers.  These doubts were about me.  She was just fine.  We picked a perfect outfit with appropriate hair to play a piece of music flawlessly.  I sat there with tears in my eyes as she played.  My heart pounding so hard it could have been in the percussion section.  She was perfect. 
     The category had 2 winners which is one less than it usually has.  Budget cuts had bothered even this. They played beautiful pieces as well and we were happy for them.  I was very proud of how she handled everything....the playing, the performing, the "losing".  Her immediate reaction was to begin to contemplate next year's performance piece.   That said so much.
      It's hard being a mother.  If we were already doubting ourselves as women...nothing like a baby to make you wonder even more.  But today I was reminded of the strength they help us to remember.  They are mirrors.   As she hit the keys to the perfectly timed tempo I relaxed.  I sat still and took a deep breath and let the notes wash over me as she played in the theater.  I watched a little girl sit at a grand piano on a stage in our sweet little town.  We BOTH worked hard to get her there.  I told her that someday she might even be up on that stage again playing to a sold out crowd and to please remember her biggest fan and maybe hook her up with some free tickets. 

Join a CSA

     One would think that a little girl in the Bronx would know nothing from fresh vegetables and gardens.  This wasn't the case with this particular little girl.  Spring meant turning over the dirt in our garden.  My parents would grab the shovels and work their butts off for a weekend or two prepping it for the new seedlings.  This was followed by the trip to the nursery to buy plants and herbs.  All summer long we could run to the little plot of delicious heaven for any number of veggies.  I snacked on cherry tomatoes and peppers often.  My Mom had her beloved array of hot peppers and tomatoes.  I was in charge of watering which was fine because as a small child I loved any excuse to shoot the hose around the yard.  It was part of a summer tradition.
     As a grown woman the idea of a garden seemed nice but I was well aware of the amount of work that would go into one.  I have magazines and books to inspire me.  I have threatened to start an herb garden, cutting garden for gorgeous flowers and a raised bed garden for veggies.  Of course there would be a composting heap nearby and it would be all organic and natural.  The reality is I barely have time to water my houseplants.  When I heard that the CSA in this area was mere minutes down the road I grew even more interested than before.
     I romanticize I know...I picture sunny days when we drive down to the farm with the pooch to pick up our baskets of produce.  Birds are chirping and the sweet smell of herbs and flowers fills the air.  Ethan is in his special farmer overalls and gloves (he mentioned wearing them today) and is excited to help pick some of the veggies.  I will try out lots of new recipes, maybe learn to bake a pie and even can some fresh produce for the winter.  I will make things I've never made before and devour oodles of the crispy things I love.  Good timing with my new healthy approach and all.   Even my Dad seems excited.  I am hoping to load my counters with vibrant flowers and maybe enjoy the occasional brown egg or fresh chicken as well.    I hope to teach my children of the hard work that goes into gardening and farming.  Maybe it will excite them to pick a vegetable, wash it and help make something with it.  Eating habits could perhaps change a bit.  I told my little man that this is a test drive to see if it is indeed something we want to dive into for next summer...a trial run of sorts.  I will share I promise...Jenne, I know you are drooling at the thoughts of all of that cauliflower!  If we get a crop of a thousand tomatoes be prepared for a delivery.   Maybe I will add a fourth meal to the day called "salad".  Now if you'll excuse me I have recipes to research...

By the way...CSA stands for Community Supported Agriculture.  The people pay the farmer and volunteer their services and then pick up the shares of the crops weekly for the season.  I think my Dad was a little thrown at first that it was a crime scene something or other...but he was quite excited when I explained the real deal.

Freiki

     It started out as a need for some coffee.  I met with my buddies, Ryan and Frank, at the local coffee shop that has recently dropped the letters from its logo.  I even ordered some nasty light, skim, weird mocha coffee something or other to keep up with my new attitude of March.  We talked and laughed and discussed many things...tv shows, fitness, philosophy...you name it.  I made mention of my still sore ankle.  You remember the one I hurt after flying off of the step?  Frank went on to tell me more about his recent study of Reiki and offered up a quick session of healing.  I did not hesitate.  First of all I have respected a few masters of this practice through the years.  Then there was the fact that I watched my Mom's numbers change on the monitor while she was in the hospital during a Reiki treatment. 
     Though the sounds of seagulls and the ocean playing in the background kind of made me feel like giggling I have to say it was a wonderful feeling.  I was open to the experience and waited to see what would happen next.  Not only did I feel a warmth and a tingling but I was extremely relaxed at the same time.  The crazy part is while both of his hands were on either side of my head but not touching anything there was actually a few small shocks...you know the type you get when you run around on a carpet to zap someone?  Nobody was moving and yet the energy was that strong.  He concentrated on my knee for a bit even though I did not mention it being sore.  As he moved down to my ankle I could feel the warmth move as well.  It was a very unique and comforting feeling.  The ankle felt better at first.  I was prepped that sometimes it takes a bit for the energy to move through.  On the way home while just driving my car it felt very different...almost painful for a quick burst and then quickly changed to feeling the best it has felt since the tumble.  
     I left today open for a new thing to present itself to me.  I'm so glad things went the way they did.  After a very productive morning it was nice to spend some time with good friends and some healing...emotional and physical.  I am grateful for the time he spent with me...oh and Frankie,  if you should go on to practice Reiki ...you realize you HAVE to call it Freiki!

Celebrate Seussday!

Tonight we had green eggs and ham
I cooked them in a pan with Pam
I put the dye on all the meat
I dripped some green upon my feet
The egg was tricky but dyed as well
My daughter found it oh so swell
Unlike her Pop who made a face
It did not slow the eating pace
I read the story as they chewed
On a meal made of green food
I'm glad we had  the chance to play
Dear Dr. Suess - Oh happy day!!!

Open a packet and cry tears of pure pride and joy!

     On the way home from school today my daughter informed me of a packet to her parents in her backpack.  It was a typical manila envelope only they had taken several security precautions and sealed it, opened the little metal clasp and taped it as well.   I was well aware of the special testing that they had been doing so I had my inklings. 
    The packet of papers would go on to tell me that my daughter was well...to put it simply...brilliant.  Her IQ was a lovely number and her scores and ranks and percentages exceeded the average.  Line after line just got better and better for pages.  What made me even more proud were the comments left by the teacher, counselor and psychologist.  She was a kind and creative girl with an ability to solve problems and see things in a new way.  The accolades went on and on.  I will spare you all of the quotes but do know that if you should come by my house I will be more than happy to show you. 
     I looked at this adorable little face...the one that is catching up to my own height all too quickly and the tears just started streaming.  I stood there explaining how proud I was and then why I was crying.  It overwhelmed me.  It was as if someone showed me the past 10 years in 10 seconds...the thoughts and images zipped through my mind.
      I ate right to prep for a baby.  I did everything right through the pregnancy.  I slept on the proper side and drank the right amounts of water, etc.  I went through 34 hours of labor knowing she would be worth it.  I breastfed for 14 months because I read somewhere that the longer you could go the smarter and stronger the baby would be.  I read to her when she was too little to hold a book and marveled at how she suddenly knew when to turn the page as a tiny kid.  She heard all types of music, ate food from all over the world and traveled as much as we could afford.  She was talked to and listened to and adored by many.  She took art and played sports and played music.  I wasted no time with this child.  Even summers were spent very carefully.  She was my masterpiece, my masters degree, my symphony, my Nobel prize, my novel.  As I stood in the kitchen watching this beautiful child smile at me I realized it was all worth it.  I question almost every aspect of my life and this was the chance to remind myself that the thing I valued the most turned out just perfectly.  All of the devotion and energy that I put into her little body will all come pouring back out for the world to feel.  I realize that nature vs nurture is at play.  Sure, she has two really bright parents (heh) and music and art and athleticism are in there as well...but I will not overlook the nurture part.  Nurtured....she WAS!  I held her and new thoughts poured over me as well.  I can't move fast enough to show her all that I want her to see.  Thank goodness I still have plenty of time. 
     Just when I doubted so much about my life a little manila packet brought me full circle.   She doesn't need to know just yet that her IQ already surpasses mine...but she will know the pride, joy and love of a mother who is her biggest fan.  My numbers for those things are off the charts as well!