Mom's Birthday...without Mom

     We had a snow day yesterday with thunder.  Very out of the ordinary.  Very.  It gave me a day of calm.  A day I needed.  Mom used to call them "burn out days".  She would sense that the pace was getting to me...the high grades, the sports, the drama of childhood.  Sometimes I needed a break.  Sometimes she did and needed the company.  Either way when it snows before Halloween and gives you a power outage and forces you to read magazines that you never get to...oh and there is thunder... it makes you wonder.  She can be pretty persuasive.  There is something sweet about a 5 year old and an 85 year old playing chess together by candlelight.  Peace was here last night at my house after a day of rest.  Her daughter needed a "burning the candle at both ends day" off from real life. 
     Today was her official birthday and the sun was shining brightly.  Our power was out only long enough to give us some down time and grab some extra blankets but not enough to be a nuisance.  We all sat around the table for breakfast with sunshine pouring in through the windows.  We went to church.  Got donuts.  It was nice.  Simple.  While children were occupied I spent some time in her room.  I dusted the dresser that still holds her trinkets and knick knacks.  I cleaned the mirror that holds the pictures of her dear grandchildren.  I talked to her as if she was right there because I knew she was....nagging me to move things back to the way she had them.  I even said out loud, "ok, ok".  We would've been smiling and giggling about the silly things we always found so funny.  I honored her space.  I moved things.  The little schedule that I would make for her was still tucked under the glass of her nightstand from a long time ago.  Things were trapped in time.  Ten months later I know that those things being there doesn't mean that she will be there but I sure as hell know she would be yelling to clean them up.  I cleaned and talked and smiled knowing she would feel so much better knowing I was doing what she couldn't for my father. 
     I then grabbed my daughter and headed to a place that caught my eye this morning.  As we headed over the bridge driving to town the sunlight blazed upon a patch of gingko leaves.  The wind and snow knocked the leaves off of the big tree to form a giant sea of yellow happiness.  Emily was in her glory surrounded by her favorite color.   Bits of snow mixed in with crayon shavings added a little bit of magic to the waterfall spot we would visit often.  We took pictures of the beauty of it all.   It's an odd feeling when autumn isn't quite finished and winter comes barging in....even if only for a short stay. 
     We stopped for gas.  It hit me.  If we can have thunder during snowstorms...maybe we can hit the powerball.  In we marched to buy two tickets.  One of them with all of the numbers that mattered to Sally.  We talked about what we would do and who we would help if when we win. 
     As for dinner, well...only one way to go.  The Willow Tree.  It was a bonus visit because of the Halloween decorations I have been promising for my little guy to see for years.  We ate together in her honor.  My mother and I had shared many a lunch there...together...just the girls.  I'm sure she is mad I didn't get the escargot but I fear not even a brave new girl can face the little snails.  Not yet, anyway.  I've learned to never say never. 
     This week has been rough.  It was always a favorite time of year.  Her birthday and our favorite holiday so close together.  She lived for the grandchildren in costumes and decorations.  She'd given out a bar or a thousand in her time.  But today was the celebration of her.  I lived a full day of cherished moments.  She was right there with me...free of pain.  I wouldn't dare be sad for a woman who made us all so happy.  When you live to honor the lost...when you carry on their wishes...when you refuse to waste another moment of life...it gets easier to let them go.  We hold onto them for us.  Now, I imagine she is always there watching...so I sure as hell better do it right!!!  I'm sure she was with me for the day so I needed to take her to do the things she would've liked. 
     There was an odd peace to a day I was so scared to see.  I guess it's not that odd...actually makes sense I suppose.   She was always there the biggest when I needed her the most and today was no exception.  Happy Birthday, my dear Mom...we all love you so.  Oh and by the way lady, don't think I don't know that you were the little whisper in the ear of 9 year old girl when she was requesting Halloween costumes!  50's theme it is!!!