Post from IPhone

I was sitting and staring at my computer exhausted from the day. It was another day "off" when I worked tirelessly as if I would be paid per chore or for overtime. I ate more fruits and veggies in one day than I did all week and logged every measured morsel. I sorted, washed, dried and folded laundry. And there are still mounds waiting for freshness. I dusted and vacuumed and rearranged. I cleared away brittle swags of evergreens and tucked away things for a new canvas to decorate. And in between the tedious and mundane I found things to make my heart smile. In between repetitious and regular I created things that made me happy. When purging pushed me to the brink of tears I moved to something softer and lighter. I have learned something in these forty years and that is how to make the best of something. I was also very excited to do something tonight and chose duty and responsibility over selfishness so I guess I have grown after all. I also changed systems, got out of my way, forged new paths of communication and practiced the ways of the peaceful warrior. I faltered as well. I had many moments of self doubt and fear. I did not make the calls I was supposed to. I left the lunches to be packed in the morning. I let a nightmare haunt me for too long before I approached it with the correct eye. I didn't take time for myself or reach out to those I love. But I did carefully cut and create a collage of photos on my fridge to stare at when it all gets hard and set up my new tiny spectrum of bowls to make the grey of winter just a little prettier. I made a new recipe in the crockpot but for some reason my pork tenderloin with sauerkraut didn't even pop into my head as I panicked tonight because my real "new thing" fell through until another time. The beauty of this new wiring is that the new starts to become the norm and you forget that you've done a ton of new things. You cleaned another portion of her closet without crying. You made the photo collage better than ever. You put out the pretty new bowls in a row. You had breakfast eaten, kids dropped off, laundry started and dinner in a slow cooker with a brand new recipe all by nine. And in between there were other new things. You sit there and realize that all of that happened but because something bigger happened in your head and heart today you didn't even think of those "simple" things. So you sit at a computer waiting for inspiration. I have never posted to my blog by typing all of this out on a little iPhone keyboard. Until now. It's slower than typing on a computer keyboard but it also allows your brain to slow and allows the emotion to creep in between each word. I am tired yes...but I am damn proud of myself for so many reasons- one of them being that I am so truly imperfect. But real. More real than yesterday and not as real as tomorrow but with a sore hand and a stiff neck for attempting all this on this phone. I will go to bed now knowing that I squeezed lots of juice out of this lemon and that it might be one of the best glasses of lemonade ever.