Momentous Moment and Momentos

     I need to practice being present as often as possible.  It is a hard thing for a girl who is constantly updating calendars and scheduling every blink.  I have been working on it for quite some time and have really gotten good at it.  But every here and again I find myself tuning out some wonderful thing right in front of me because I am thinking about something that might or could happen in a bit.  Today, I put the world on PAUSE and took it in.  Ethan was buzzing about (as he does from sunrise to sunset) and yapping.  He was in a wild frenzy about end of school parties and parks and karate and you name it.  He mentioned something about tying a shoe and how if he knew how to do it at school he would win something.  I told him to grab a sneaker and take it to Pop Pop.  My Dad needs to be needed as we all do.  I forgot how bad he is at teaching something new.  The most patient man in the world turns into a huffy eye roller if you don't grasp something quickly enough.  I learned this as a young child.  With two impatient parents I realized that I was the best one to teach me things.  Maybe it is why I went on to be such a good teacher....tons of practice.  So out came my teary little guy upset at the way my Dad was grumbling.  I figured out pretty quickly that it wasn't my father's fault at all.  It turns out he was teaching him the proper way and Ethan had been learning the somewhat less serious two little bunny ear way.  My Dad was going with the real deal.  So I gave the pep talk about how there is no need to cry over tying a shoe and spent the next few minutes making up some weird little chant about loops and tucks.  Within a few tries he had it.  He was excited.  Part of me felt bad about the fact that I probably should have had this skill well established by now...he's 6 and all.  I nipped that feeling in the bud and reminded myself that he's had some really cool shoes (sans laces) and I've sort of been juggling the world...can't do it all now can I?  I paused and watched his little face light up as he found success over and over.  Each twist and tie made him a little bit more sure.  I said to him in the moments he grew scared that he had forgotten already, "Just think a few months ago you didn't know how to read or how to do five forms in karate...look at you now.  It's just a matter of time until you get it...be patient and know it will come!".  Well duh.  I give this advice all of the time to my children, to my friends, etc....why do I not give it to myself?  I pushed the PAUSE button and took in the moment.  All of it.  I captured his little toothless smile in my mental photo bank.  I pondered the teaching moment that I gave to him and the one that he gave me in return.  I held on for a moment and just let it be.  Fully.  These moments come like rapid fire lately and I need to catch them like fireflies in a jar to hold for just a bit. 
     A short while and one karate class later we found ourselves starving and exhausted from another big day.   Pizza was happening...I knew this much.  We headed to Momento's.  It's been there for a bit under my radar and tonight I realized how much I had been missing out.  The food is exceptional.  The place is simple but the passion from the chef is unbelievable.  The Lasagna Pizza was loaded with fresh basil, meatballs, sausages, huge dollops of ricotta and drizzles of olive oil.  We sat around a table and enjoyed it.  PAUSE.  Sometimes when a place is different from the norm you feel like you are doing something so exciting even if you are only grabbing a pizza.  The new is where you find it.  So in between the usual work and meetings and pickups and karate classes and dishes and everything else that life dishes out...you put the world on pause and make it feel new.   Today was the last full day of school.  I will be losing those quiet moments when I sit in the car in between work and the second half of my day with the family.  I get about 30 minutes 4 days a week or so to breathe.  To put the world on pause.  Now I will have the real practice sessions.  I will have to find them in the hustle and bustle of summertime.  Maybe I'll just have to sneak off and have a piece of pizza...since I think we have all mastered the art of shoe tying. 

Fifty Shades of Grey

     About a year or so ago I remember having the discussion with several people about how women have no place to "escape".  Boys have their sports, fantasy football teams, video games and superhero movies.  Lots of men in tights I might add.  Women had soaps back in the day but I don't know many people who still watch the few that are still around.  Ladies stayed home and served up tv dinners while the family was off doing whatever.  Today we work, whip up Martha style meals and are supermoms while we are at it.  I think somewhere between the olden days and fighting for our rights for equality we went a little too far.  Now we seem to do everything...with little rest or relaxation.  We have to be perfect.  We can't waste time.  In this previously mentioned discussion I remember talking about how men could find a few hours to get away from work and chores and fatherly duties by watching the game or picking a fake team to play around with on draft day.  They could get lost in the graphics and excitement of a game that made them shoot the zombies or steal a car or save the world.  For some reason they get away with it.  Maybe it's because they allow themselves to chill.  Women are relentless...especially with ourselves.  We have lots to do and even more to prove.  Always. 
     I'm seeing a bit of a shift.  I kept asking, "What is it that women have to escape with?".  Before I knew it blogs took off bigger than ever, Twitter finally became a household word, Pinterest became our new addiction and then there was a book.  Not just any book.  A #1 NY Times Bestseller.  And it's naughty.  Women everywhere have traded in the books that made us craftier, smarter and healthier to pick up a book that was pure entertainment.  They call it Mommy porn.  In this shift we are even claiming some time and space in an arena that men have been living in forever. 
     A friend of mine told me she was reading it.  I asked to borrow it when she was finished.  Records might have been broken for a speedy finish and though I have heard it's a fast and simple read I can't help but think the content makes it hard to put down.  Tonight, I will check it out...ya know...to research what all of the buzz is about.  Maybe just maybe there is hope yet for us chicks!

Nubbins

     I like the word "nubbin".  It's a funny word that makes me giggle.  I just looked it up in reference to my new post:

1: something (as an ear of Indian corn) that is small for its kind, stunted, undeveloped, or imperfect

2: a small usually projecting part or bit 

 

I find it even funnier that they specified Indian corn.  So why a post on the word nubbin?  I have been slacking a bit on new things.  I have been frustrated at the state of my life and it has been pulling me a bit backwards.  I have been getting by instead of pushing forward.  A stalemate with life if you will.  Something new is snapping in me again.  I think of these moments as limbs cracking in a storm.  You know the ones that don't break off until a good boomer comes and rips them down?  They hang on dead and lifeless until they are forced to go.  It is at that time that the tree can put its energy into the good limbs...the strong branches...or maybe even allow new growth.   This post is as scattered as my new energy.  Maybe it is the summer excitement bubbling up in me or the feel that something is coming but I have an electricity that I was lacking for a bit.  Now the song from West Side Story is playing in the background noise of my thinking.  This new big energy is the kind that needs a saddle and a bit in my teeth to control its wild craziness.  Please forgive these random rantings...I have a point I swear.  

   I have been frustrated.  New is harder.  Funds are low.  Time is tight.  Creativity is down.  If my life were having a business meeting we would not be having donuts to celebrate.  I need to kick in and I want to tap into the energy that I feel brewing.  I also need to push.  I am falling into the "I'm all old and done" loop again.  To that I say "Puuuuuuuuhhhhhhllllleeeeeez".  It is in these moments I remember it's my perception.  My choices and decisions.  My way is just fine.  All of the things that I have been practicing...the changes, the growth, the fearlessness...need to get bigger and stronger.  

So when you see a girl with two little nubbins on the top of her head you don't see anything but a different hair style.  You have no idea what it took to wear them in public.  My hair is long and curly.  It hasn't had a salon cut in so many years that I honestly don't remember the last time I sat in the chair to be pampered for hours.  The highlights have faded.  The shape is gone.  The greys are coming in faster than I care to think about.  They taunt me.  It has also been insanely hot and humid for a day in May in the Pocono Mountains.  At home I tuck my long locks into two little buns on the top of my head.  They make me cooler.  My headache goes away from the too tight pony that I had in moments before.  I also feel a bit silly and goofy.  I take the silly and use it to BE silly.  They are magical little nubbins.  But to wear them in public???? NOOOOOOO!  I am 39 years old and we don't do those things.  I don't do those things.  Until today.  I asked my kids if I was that silly lady they might make a joke about and they reassured me that I can get away with it.  I also had discussions at work about being "the youngest I'll ever be" and I really need to keep reminding myself of that.  I have to change my perception.  So maybe today I didn't take some new road to some cool new city.  Maybe I didn't  jump out of a plane (been there, done that) or ride a wild pony...but this shy little girl who is still finding her way did something brave.  I held up a silent little middle finger to the world and said accept me...as I am...because I am ok.  Nubbins and all...

What will be next I wonder?

Born and Raised

    John Mayer is on some new path.  It involves a new vibe in his music.  On this Memorial Day after time by the pool and things cooked on the grill it only seems fitting to listen to an album called "Born and Raised".  This song has been an inspiration lately and I'm excited to listen to the rest!

Did you know that you could be wrong
And swear you're right
Some people been known to do it
All their lives
But you find yourself alone
Just like you found yourself before
Like I found myself in pieces
On the hotel floor
Hard times have helped me see

I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm open, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now

Well I ain't no troublemaker
And I never meant her harm
But it doesn't mean I didn't make it hard to carry on

Well it sucks to be honest
And it hurts to be real
But it's nice to make some love
That I can finally feel
Hard times let me be

I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm open, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now

I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I'm right here, and I'm right now
And I'm open, knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now

Ella Swims

     We have tried to lead a dog to water...but you can't make her swim.  Until this time.  She saw the water and went right in.  She must've received the memo.  I stood there watching her paddle through the pond all while trying to bite at the water droplets that she was creating in the air in front of her.  It was an odd moment.  I had to connect it to the feeling you have with a child.  Sometimes they tell you when they are ready.  I guess it is our job to make sure they know they should try. 

Driebe Freight Station

     We have a few more practices for the upcoming flash mob.  Usually we practice at the local theater.  The space was being used so we were channeled down the alley and across the street to the old freight station.  I have lived in Stroudsburg since 1990 and have never been inside the doors of this beautiful and historic little building.  I walked inside and had the most surreal feeling.  As we stood on wooden planks that are over 100 years old to listen to an Ipod play a song that we were going to dance to at a festival I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of it all.  Those planks never thought they would see such madness.  I also found it odd that it took such an event to get me inside a building that I have walked near or by a bunch of times in the twenty or so years I have lived in this area.  Do you know your town?  Really know it?  Do you ever look at it with new eyes?  Be a tourist...check it out...you just might learn something new.  It might be one of the biggest cities in the world or a tiny little rural town but you can discover something new I bet!

     The Driebe Freight Station is the restored 1882 freight station of the New York, Susquehanna and Western Railroad.  Owned by the Monroe County Historical Association, the Driebe Freight Station is leased by the Jacob Stroud Corporation, a non-profit organization dedicated to the vitality of downtown Stroudsburg, which uses the building for a visitors' center, office and meeting space, and as a venue for special events, such as the free concerts every Saturday night in summer in the adjacent park.The MCHA hosts an exhibit of downtown Stroudsburg memorabilia and advertising artifacts in two display cases at the station.   The Driebe Freight Station is located next to McMichaels Park on Ann Street in downtown Stroudsburg, along McMichaels Creek.



   

Bad Catty-tude

     I was observed at my little preschool job today.  I did well on the last review and wasn't concerned in the least bit about this one.  I know these kids now and I love math manipulatives and if you put those two things together I'm a pretty happy girl.  It's exhausting though.  I teach 6 lessons in 2 1/2 hours.  I carry around a bin of math madness.  I start with preppers and twaddlers in diapers and work up to kids ready for kindergarten.  By the end I am ready to fall over but you would never know it while I am in there somehow making patterns and sorting exciting.  My supervisor skipped a few of the lessons to ask the teachers how they feel about my enrichment lessons.  She was told that I was the best they have had.  I'll take it.  But there is always one.  She's not even a teacher so I really didn't let it bug me.  But I did learn a little something new today.  Today I learned that catty is something timeless.  See, I thought it happened back when I was 21...young...thin...ready to take on the world.  While I was student teaching under a woman about to retire I was taught some mean lessons about women.  They aren't always so nice.  She constantly made comments about my clothes, my tiny frame and the way that I taught.  The kids liked me and that was a threat.  I also backed it all up with a damn good teaching style.  Catty is a way of life for some but I thought I was the victim because of certain circumstances.  "Your hair is naturally curly?!?"-  Meow.  "You wear what size?!?" - Hiss.  You get the idea.  This catty can follow.  It pops out when you are getting married, moving, buying a house, having babies, parenting, you name it.  I guess I thought somewhere along the line it wore off.  See now I'm pushing 40,  need to lose 40 lbs (twice) and those curls have 40 ugly little white hairs popping up every second.  What in the world do we have to be catty about now?  And yet it happens.  The difference is this grown woman dudn't care.  Yes, I spelled it that way on purpose.  I drove home thinking about it all and came to the conclusion that I wanted to apologize to the young girl who let others rock her.  I said I was sorry for being shaken all of those years ago.  How dare I allow it.  How dare I let it change who I was.  I dulled my shine for them.  Silly girl.  Silly. 
     A pal of mine said that when you hit your 40's you start to come into your own.  You stop caring about what people think...what they might say.  On this particular car ride home I made the decision that sooner was better than later.  I might have a few months left in my 30's (gulp) but why wait?  Her bad catty-tude led to a new attitude...I guess that was part of this journey.  I thank her for the test but I really thank me for the change.