1: something (as an ear of Indian corn) that is small for its kind, stunted, undeveloped, or imperfect
2: a small usually projecting part or bit
I find it even funnier that they specified Indian corn. So why a post on the word nubbin? I have been slacking a bit on new things. I have been frustrated at the state of my life and it has been pulling me a bit backwards. I have been getting by instead of pushing forward. A stalemate with life if you will. Something new is snapping in me again. I think of these moments as limbs cracking in a storm. You know the ones that don't break off until a good boomer comes and rips them down? They hang on dead and lifeless until they are forced to go. It is at that time that the tree can put its energy into the good limbs...the strong branches...or maybe even allow new growth. This post is as scattered as my new energy. Maybe it is the summer excitement bubbling up in me or the feel that something is coming but I have an electricity that I was lacking for a bit. Now the song from West Side Story is playing in the background noise of my thinking. This new big energy is the kind that needs a saddle and a bit in my teeth to control its wild craziness. Please forgive these random rantings...I have a point I swear.
I have been frustrated. New is harder. Funds are low. Time is tight. Creativity is down. If my life were having a business meeting we would not be having donuts to celebrate. I need to kick in and I want to tap into the energy that I feel brewing. I also need to push. I am falling into the "I'm all old and done" loop again. To that I say "Puuuuuuuuhhhhhhllllleeeeeez". It is in these moments I remember it's my perception. My choices and decisions. My way is just fine. All of the things that I have been practicing...the changes, the growth, the fearlessness...need to get bigger and stronger.
So when you see a girl with two little nubbins on the top of her head you don't see anything but a different hair style. You have no idea what it took to wear them in public. My hair is long and curly. It hasn't had a salon cut in so many years that I honestly don't remember the last time I sat in the chair to be pampered for hours. The highlights have faded. The shape is gone. The greys are coming in faster than I care to think about. They taunt me. It has also been insanely hot and humid for a day in May in the Pocono Mountains. At home I tuck my long locks into two little buns on the top of my head. They make me cooler. My headache goes away from the too tight pony that I had in moments before. I also feel a bit silly and goofy. I take the silly and use it to BE silly. They are magical little nubbins. But to wear them in public???? NOOOOOOO! I am 39 years old and we don't do those things. I don't do those things. Until today. I asked my kids if I was that silly lady they might make a joke about and they reassured me that I can get away with it. I also had discussions at work about being "the youngest I'll ever be" and I really need to keep reminding myself of that. I have to change my perception. So maybe today I didn't take some new road to some cool new city. Maybe I didn't jump out of a plane (been there, done that) or ride a wild pony...but this shy little girl who is still finding her way did something brave. I held up a silent little middle finger to the world and said accept me...as I am...because I am ok. Nubbins and all...
What will be next I wonder?
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