Eat at Zoup!

     Talk about your life changing decisions....OH MAN!  Each day we have to make momentous or simple changes in our lives and today was no exception...soups such as Pumpkin Bisque, Cheeseburger Royale or Potato Dill....samples helped thank goodness.  It was a nice place with friendly service and good food for a great value.  I had the soup and a small salad- all yummy.  Why did we finally eat at Zoup!?...because I declared it my new thing and because of this reason, that was the ONLY way we were passing by the neighboring Chick-Fil-A.  In fact I ducked down a bit as we drove by so the cows wouldn't see me and revoke my lifelong fan membership.
     My daily challenge is whatever I NEED in a given day.  Some days I know I need to push myself and other days I take it easy and give myself a break.   At first I thought this was uninspired and simple - trying a new fast food joint... but I guess there is always more.  I realized that I passed on the known and familiar and went for the adventure of the new...even if it was JUST a starchy bowl of goodness.

Take in a western

     I like your typical action film, chick flick and can't get enough of those captioned artsy films.   I enjoy a movie that looks pretty as well as one that takes you on a journey to explore the depths of your soul.  In a theater I'll sit through almost anything.  Well, that's not true.  I HAVE sat through almost anything (when the tickets were free) and would come out with a wish to get those hours back.
     In my quest to do the out of the ordinary I went to a western themed film.  Sure, it has Oscar buzz and all but still...it's got horses, desert and cowboy hats.  It was quite enjoyable.  The characters were full and complex and I'm a sucker for good dialogue.  I'm the girl that will watch the British period piece and speak with the most horrible accent ever afterwards just not to let the magic end.  I think I expected to come out using a twang and words like "vittles" or "fixin' to git" but it actually sparkled too much for those commonalities.
     I won't break down the film for you.  You might indeed want to see it for yourself and I am no spoiler.  I am also not qualified as a film critic.  I can tell you that the major themes that  I pulled from this film were innocence, redemption and courage.  There was also intelligence, wit and gumption.  ( I had to use that word...come on now).  Overall, I enjoyed my travel to another time in another place and can't wait to ride a horse sometime in the spring.  I might even buy a cowboy hat...

Read a new poet

       As a very young child I walked the long city blocks with my Mother to the public library.  The old wooden floors, the scent of paper and the rows of books captivated me.  Even more impressive was my Mother's ability to find one from a shelf and introduce me to a new world.  Books were magical that way.  To have two pieces of cardboard and mere sheets of paper take you to another place...simply wondrous.  My most memorable trip included a find of sonnets.  Even as a young girl the beauty of words placed together by Wordsworth mystified me.
     Of course I went through the horrible poetry phase myself.   I would try to find that magic and occasionally would surprise myself but mostly it was garbage.   Though I don't read as much as I'd like to there is just something about language that gets me.  Really good writing sucks me in.  I devour it like a meal...savoring every layered sauce, discerning every herb, tasting it and all its complexities.   We all know how much we cherish a good meal when we are not the ones who have prepared it.
     This past year I got back to reading.  Some classics, some new.  A few amazing and a few I might have skipped...but I was reading again.  I was losing myself in the pages of a book to escape the world that had become my reality.  One of my other passions is to find something NEW.  So, to combine poetry and a shiny discovery was perfect.  I am very grateful for the suggestions and have poked around at the buffet table of new dishes waiting to be ingested.
  
 Some of my favorites:

"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,
they're in each other all along."
Rumi

Wow, to get all of that power in just a few lines....mmmm.

I also read Anais Nin and could bog down this entire post with her words.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to blossom."
It was pointed out to me of how appropriate that sentiment is at this moment.

     I was also inspired to read Kenneth Fearing and chomped on those words as well.  Delicious morsels to be had.
     I am very grateful to have taken the opportunity to listen to the universe.  I was feeling stuck as to my new endeavor and something told me to throw out the invitation for help.  The feedback was perfect for what I needed at the moment.  I have been excited ever since and can't wait to read more.
    The world is full of words.  We all have use of the same ones and yet we all have different sequences for them.  We can bend and twist and push and pull and create something new.   Something beautiful can be born.   Our hearts can mend, our spirits can be brightened, our souls can be renewed.  Thank you for transporting me once again to the beauty of the poem.

Build Lego Pirates with Ethan...argh!

     My son was having a moment on the floor lost somewhere in his imagination when it hit me...THIS is one of my favorite parts of parenting and I was letting it slip away on this snowy morning.  The table was full of paperwork, the sink was full of dishes and countless other chores were in need of something.  I stopped and grabbed the brand new Lego pirate set and both of our eyes widened with excitement.  We built our little treasure island together piece by piece.  He made up the tale of the sea to go along with the brand new canon, raft, cave and fort.   I made water out of tissue paper to complete the scene.  We played.  I saw his little fingers with the dexterity of a five year old...he has come so far so quickly.   We were so excited to see that the pieces could be put together in different ways to make completely new adventures.
     As the day progressed we baked muffins together, mixed imaginary crepes, played with the spice bottles, sat through pretend wrestling matches and listened to Emily in her piano lesson.  But we kept going back to the pirates.  Our little plastic pieces had been magical this morning.  A source of pride and joy that we built together as a team.
     The balance is hard.  Life is a juggling act, a hamster wheel, a delicate puzzle.  In one day we have to make sure vitamins are taken, piano is practiced, chores are done and ears are clean.  We also have to tend to little spirits, teach lessons of life and let the imaginations soar.  It is what makes us mothers.  I worry about the humans they will grow up to be.   I take this job more seriously than any other and sometimes I put too much pressure on eating veggies and forget to build tiny plastic ships.  Most of the time I do alright though and to those times I say AHOY!

Let them burn sage!

    "Sage is an herb that is known for its healing and medicinal properties. People have burned sage since ancient times to cleanse and purify objects and homes.  Proponents of sage burning, also known as smudging, believe that the sage smoke is a way to bless your home and dispel it of negative energy and influences."
     I purchased some bundles of sage months ago.  They've been sitting there taunting me.  I think subconsciously I was keeping them as my final trump card.  I've prayed, meditated, done yoga, read and prayed some more.  I've talked to my higher conscience, my therapist,  my spirit guides, my imaginary friends and any insect walking by. I've respected the planets in retrograde and admired the numbers of the stars.  What's one more zany thing to do, right?  I mean do we really know the whole deal of the universe? Well, I'm not taking any chances.  
     A day full of positive promise turned sour and I really can't afford any more of those.  So out went the fear of lighting a match and so began my smudging.  I told the negativity to get the hell out of my space.  I spent extra time where needed in hallways and corners.  Though my house has an odor somewhere between Thanksgiving and a reggae concert I can be sure that tomorrow will be better than today.  If not for the powers of the smoldering bundle of herbs than for the promise I have afforded myself.

Draw a constellation from someone's freckles

     I was given a wonderful book, Learning to Love You More by Harrell Fletcher & Miranda July by my niece, Theresa.  It is a book to help inspire me with my "new thing of the day" when I am finding it hard to be creative.  Some days are harder than others and today was one of those days that just flipping the book open to a suggestion was just what I needed.  I grabbed my little girl and a marker and made Emily's Bow Tie on her arm and Pooh Bear's Right Triangle on her back.  Some of you have reached out with your own inspirations and for them I am truly grateful.

Football, fire, friend

     Who would've thought I would have had some sort of epiphany watching the Packers.  What started out as putting on the game for my houseguest and Dad and son turned out to be a life lesson...
     Kids go to the park and they become best friends instantly with the little monster or pixie in front of them in line for the slide.  I  watch them form these immediate bonds and shake my head in wonder.   We become blocked off as adults.   We worry about judgement and shortcomings, status and position.  We compare and contrast and in this horrible process we forget to forge a new relationship.   If I like you, I like you.  Period.  I'm not wasting time holding back anymore.
     With new friends come new interests.  About certain things I was the fold my arms and turn up my head sort of gal.  Not anymore.  I see things with new eyes.  I enjoy that someone is sharing time with me.  I open up to the new. I am so sorry I didn't do it sooner.   Oh, the amounts of calamari that would've been ingested...
     So today I watched some football by a fire with a brand new friend and had a wonderfully peaceful Sunday afternoon. Kids in pjs, pooch at my side and friends and family grounding me after a week of busy.   Sometimes the simplest of changes make the biggest impacts.

Nachos at Siamsa with a new crew

     I tend to be a bit of an enigma when it comes to doing things.  I crave new at every turn because my brain and spirit seem to need the stimulation.  What makes it tricky though...is that I hold on to ritual and tradition with a death grip.  (This is the girl who puts her right shoe on first don't forget).   "But THIS is how we do it" or "I ONLY do it this way" were words frequently uttered from these little lips.  This year I have thrown all of that out of the window.  WHY?  Because, that mindset was no longer working for anyone.   

     The beauty of my current vibe is to combine what I love with something new.  It is to allow new traditions and new experiences to blossom.  I take suggestions, I am gently led to the uncharted and I savor the adventure of it all.  

     My friends and I have had many changes this year.  Separation, marriage, growing babies, moves, loss, job changes, etc.  It has been an obstacle course of change.  Parts were easy, others were challenging and some knocked me to my knees in the mud.  How I choose to come out of this mess is up to me.  I have reached out to those I love with honesty and admiration.  I have clung to traditions I am NOT willing to relinquish.  I have tried some new stuff and have loved the changes.  I have mourned  the loss of things that will never be.  But now it is time to read the next chapter.

     

Recipe for a fun night: 

     2 cherished friends

     1 new buddy

     my oldest friend

     1 known Irish pub

     dash of bad DJ music

     3 Blue Moons

     5 hours of laughter

     1 plate of nachos with everything

12 games in 2 hours!

      Snow day declared!  I have spent one too many snow days "catching up" on stuff.  I was on a mission.  "Let's see how many games we can play!!!" Start time: 10am

  1. Star Wars Trouble
  2.  Hungry, Hungry Hippos
  3.  Qwirkle
  4.  Shrek Operation
  5.  Sequence
  6.  Blokus
  7.  Candy Land
  8.  Find It
  9.  Balloon Lagoon
10.  Monkeying Around
11.  I Spy Eagle Eye
12.  Chutes & Ladders

     Ok, ok so we were DONE by noon...but still...not a bad effort.  Now think about the insanity of setting up one game with your kid, playing and then cleaning it up.  WE DID TWELVE.  Have you fully comprehended this feat?  I prepped the next while playing and we cleaned up as we went.  There was no time for fighting about game pieces or who won more than the other.  I stressed that this was about the overall accomplishment  and not the wins/losses which instantly erased the whines of the loser.  Just for that it was worth it.   Plus, I got a ton of games that had made their way out of the cabinet back into their parking spot.
    Oh, I did my cleaning and such today but for 2 hours straight I played on the floor with my kids.  Sometimes we just need a day to play on the floor.

Brush my teeth while listening to Coldplay and standing on my left foot

     This challenge of mine was to do something I've never done before each day.  I can safely say I have never done that before.  I was standing there loading my toothbrush with minty freshness and my ipod with some soothing Coldplay pondering my daily challenge for the new.  I had just walked by the table full of bills leftover from my Mom.  My Dad knows nothing about how to bank, pay bills, etc...so it has become my daunting new task.  I had walked down the hallway past the pile of Christmas stuff still lingering though it's late in January.  I had moved a load of laundry into the washer and dryer and was standing next to the other three waiting to go.   I won't even begin to talk about the mail piles,  kids' room or the other signs of a family that was put on pause.  We were running back and forth to the hospital for what seemed like forever.  Today I had time.  The kids were out, the dog was quiet, my Dad was ok and I was off from work.  Today I would scurry from task to chore to room to coffee refill... tirelessly.  Or so I thought because here I am at only 2:35 pm exhausted.
     Ok, ok...so what's the point with my challenge?  Well, I have done all of these tasks and chores before.  Nothing new there.  I didn't want to bog myself down with some crazy new THING to do but I really had to get this stuff DONE!  So back to the vanity mirror in the bathroom...  I stood there and the music and teeth brushing began and so did the tears at the thought of all I had to get past today.  It was in that moment and when some lyrics started to seep into my head that I realized I could take control of this heavy moment.  I lifted my right leg, smiled and sang with foam leaking from the corners of my mouth.   We all have days we are burdened with the ordinary, the mundane.  We all have days of loss and sadness.  It is really up to us how we face them.  Today I chose to listen to the words and have myself a smile.
    "Just because I'm losing
    Doesn't mean I'm lost
    Doesn't mean I'll stop
    Doesn't mean I'm across
    Just because I'm hurting
    Doesn't mean I'm hurt..."

It's all Greek to me

     Just the other day I was thinking...wow, I'm ONLY on day 17 and I said I would do this for a year?!?  Today I was drawing a complete blank.  My dear friend gave me a new list of suggestions and as soon as I saw one of them I knew it was the one for me!  "Learn to count to ten in a new language"...hmmm, let's see I can do it in English, Spanish, French, almost in German and in ASL.  THEN it hit me...I will be spending the morning with my new crew at the Stratakos house.   Leigh Ann patiently  reviewed the numbers with me several times.  Joanne even gave me a note with the pronunciations.   As I prepared dinner tonight I reviewed and reviewed and by the ding of the timer I finally could remember them all.   It was fun to flex a new brain muscle, connect a new synapse and add a little something to this old brain of mine.  It was even more fun to escape from  the dreary, grey landscape to the sunny coast of Greece even if only for a little while and only in my imagination.

Opened the new cd this morning

     For several years my Mom & Dad have known how tight money has been.  When my birthday would roll around she would hand over a gorgeous sentimental card with a check and a request to spend it on myself.  "Get something just for YOU".  Inevitably, it would pay a past due bill or buy something the kids needed.  Sometimes it even bought the presents for the upcoming birthdays.
     This past birthday in September my Mom got me the sweetest collection of gifts.  Barely able to walk she couldn't get out to shop at all.   A scheduled cataract surgery meant that vision was a challenge.  She had trouble hearing on the phone though she was in complete denial.  And then there was the difficulty breathing.  For my Mom, handing me a card THIS year should have been the only way she could have given me anything.  Yet on my birthday I received the following: a beautiful collection of teas complete with steeping pot, a Frank Lloyd Wright piece of stained glass with one of my favorite designs, a satchel full of dried lavender complete with gorgeous glass bowl to hold the tiny aromatics  and a cd titled Eckhart Tolle's Music to Quiet the Mind.  Why such an odd music choice?  A few years back when I had felt nothing else was working I read A New Earth.   It not only blew my mind but it transformed me in such a way I didn't think possible.  I swelled with a renewed energy and begged any and all to read it...if not to change their own lives then just to be able to share with them.  Mom sent Dad out for multiple copies that she passed out with just my excitement as a guide.    Needless to say, reading it was a challenge for her but she respected the process nonetheless.
     Her gifts were to promote peace and calm...a few of the things that this year had stripped away.   She was so proud of the collection of finds but in a tender and giving way.  She had listened.  I can now sit in my room smelling the lavender, looking at beauty, taking in soothing warmth and hearing peaceful sounds.  Sometimes I believe she knew, truly knew she was going.  The night I opened the gifts I felt a twinge of it as well.  Now, as my senses are filled with her grace and compassion for a little girl who had grown up and grown tired...I see how these gifts are all bringing her here to me.  She is only a sip of tea, a spurt of color and a sniff of lavender away...

Pop at the dive bar

     Maybe I was going about it all wrong by trying to impress him with the fancy.  To continue the streak of an unpoopy poppy I took my Dad to a little local dive we call the Roadhouse (the Minisink is its proper name).   From the moment I heard crunchy, dry lemon pepper wings early this morning they were calling my name.  My Dad doesn't mind a wing here and there so we threw him the car and went.
     Now back in the day my curly haired padre taught me the basics of a little game called pool.  I don't think we've been in the same room with a pool table in nearly two decades.  It felt like just yesterday.   It took only a few seconds and a second request before we were digging for quarters to play.  Some of the things we do perplex my Dad because he simply has forgotten about them.  I continually have to remind him that he does indeed like a certain food or yes he DOES REALLY know the person that said hello to him earlier.  It can be scary but I try to throw a joke in there if only to make myself giggle instead of cry.  The first few strokes of the mighty cue stick caused concern.  See my Dad is a bit of a hustler when it comes to billiards.  He was no professional back in the day but he would raise a few eyebrows as the younger folk tried to see what the old man had in him.  I was rusty myself as well.  A few hits in and we were the two curly haired goofballs at the table.  Maybe I had to remind him that he was solids and I was stripes  a few times but he did darn well for himself.  His massive hands still got it!
     Some sure and steady things did indeed happen: he coughed like mad over the vinegar from the wing sauce, he complained about how loud it was and he reminded me that beer was only ten cents a glass back in his day.  He had the extra adventure of a waitress dropping a plate that shattered at his feet and caused quite a jump as well.   But as we shared onion rings and sweet potato tots he seemed ok.  I know he missed my Mom ordering a pitcher of some light crappy beer because this was just the type of place we would've loved together.  Though our table had a vacant chair holding her place I think once again I left him with an evening that felt a little less empty.

Chester goes to the Ichiban

     Suggestions were being made as to where to celebrate my little virtuoso's recital success.  Ichiban came up. My first reaction was a groan.  See, my Dad has always been quite vocal and "funny" about going places.  Now that he's 84, refuses to wear BOTH hearing aids and  is quite set on embarrassing  us I was simply scared of what would happen.  Add to that mix a cranky 5 year old and I just wasn't sure it was the best idea.  I walked in with a warning..."Dad, BEHAVE!!!"....to which he responded with a devilish grin..."Whaaaat???".
     I have realized, after being burned many times, that seating is key.  He was in the location to do the least possible damage.  I had to worry about his horrible fake Asian accent erupting at any given time.  The chef arrived to do his entertaining food prep and my shoulders rose to my ears.  In that moment I watched my Dad.  This man has seen war, the most famous city in the world transform through decades, a bazillion events in our time and too many things to even fathom.  I even tease him about helping to build the Ark.  Not much impresses him.  But as I looked upon the faces of my wide-eyed kids watching as the egg spun and the knives flew I realized he had the same expression.  I almost spit out my soda as the flames shot across the surface toward him...his face was priceless.  I laughed.  We all did.  In that moment my shoulders relaxed and we all had the nicest meal.   He might not have caught the broccoli in his denture filled mouth but he did give the chef a thumb's up at the end of the meal.  The funny guy with the chopping  skills and peeing doll had no idea what that takes.
     When I say nothing impresses the man please let me clarify.  Things of the world...fancy houses, shiny cars, extravagant goodies mean nothing to him.  His grandchildren, his family, his beloved wife, snuggly cats, etc...THEY are his world.  They can do no wrong and the simplest of things are the world's riches to him.   My Father taught me about the most precious of gems to be held in one's hands, the sweetest of moments to savor and the true gifts we attain in our lives...our family, our friends, our babies, our pets, our neighbors, our bandmates...etc.  It isn't easy to take him to something he has never done or seen before but the true victory tonight was watching him smile as he was with the ones he loves.

Rosebud...

 Last night I watched Citizen Kane as the "something I've never done" for the day.  When questioned about what I knew about the movie I responded with "Let's just say I could be on the jury".  It was exciting to see something so known to others and yet such a mystery to me.  I squeezed it in before midnight and was simply too exhausted to write.  I can see why it's a classic.  The cinematography was quite beautiful...yeah, yeah, yeah.  I was just about to write a critique of a movie that kids have been studying at film schools and universities for decades.  I just stopped myself, thank goodness. 
     If you know me, you know the meaning I take from symbols, from words spoken as well as from the ones left unspoken and from the lessons life presents to us.  Kane had quite a few.  I also have an obsession with the synchronicity of things so the movie satisfied that craving as well.  A few of the themes from the film were quite relevant to me lately.
     I thought about how we get hung up on that one thing from our past and never really seem to bounce back from it.  We spend our lives denying it,  acknowledging  it and then recovering from it.  Kane had everything.  Everything.  Yet, he could not have the one thing he needed most.  In our quest to attain and achieve we must be careful what it is we are truly searching for.  Some tend to get caught up with filling the void and tend to lose sight of the precious gifts right in front of them.  Always reaching for the next distraction we fail to grasp the whole real truth right in front of us.  We live in regret from the past, worry about the future and forget to see today.  I just started to veer off into New Age territory so on that note I'll just say...I really like the movie.

New Beer with Tina

     Tina has been my drinking partner for quite a few years now.  We unwind with a couple of pints of something or other and perhaps a wing or two.  We vent.  We are Virgos that simply must put pressure on ourselves and sometimes it's just nice NOT TO.  So on this chilly night in the barely making the double digits we ventured out last minute to grab a beer I've NEVER had before.  It was sort of exciting to do something brand new that was so simple.   A brand new drink.  We also vented.  The next day things just always seem just a little bit lighter.   It's a reminder that from life we need to take breaks from time to time.  We need to take it easy sometimes from lists of pressure we have bestowed upon ourselves.  It's especially nice to take a break with one of the coolest chicks ever.   It's always about her...the beer is just a nice little bonus!

Put my left shoe on first

Sounds like a common enough task, right? Well, I am a creature of habit and superstition.  I cross off days on the calendar for fear of the day being stuck in limbo if I don't.  I throw salt over my shoulder for fear of the wrath of seasoning that might occur.    Walk under a ladder?  Uh, no.  I realized several years back that I always put my right shoe on first.  Now I've asked people if they have a preference and most do.  But I think I realized it was a problem when I once slipped by putting on my left shoe first and actually took it back off to start over properly with the right.   Insane I know.  There are sports legends applauded for their funky socks never to have soap wash away the luck.  There are all sorts of superstitions and "traditions" widely respected all over the world.  But this shoe thing was simply silly.  So today...I put my fear aside...risked my life...and put on the left shoe first.  I even tied it.  Yep.  AND it was the 13th.  Looking back on 2010 and its series of miserable, sad and depressing events that dang shoe didn't do a thing for me now did it?!?  Would I get a flat on the way to work?  Food poisoning from the General Tso's?  What could possibly happen that would top this past year?  (Not that I'm challenging the universe or anything). So, I started a new day and I put my best foot forward...the left one!

Take some Mucinex already!

I've been hacking for days.  I do not like to take medicine unless I absolutely HAVE to.  Today I gave in and took not only Tylenol for my fever but some Mucinex as well. (Yummy, I know)  I woke up blessed with a snow day and the hope that today I would do something huge. I kick started the day with a breakfast I've never eaten...that should count for a second thing.  Gruyere cheese and leek crepe oven baked with an egg stealing the spotlight in the center.  It was delicious.  I had big plans though...some new crafting project, decorating idea, brilliant mommy moment...something.  Morning turned into afternoon which turned into "Better Hurry Up and Get Dressed Time" because the piano teacher was on his way.  Still no huge life-changing new thing.  The pressure began to build.  The guilt in letting myself and others down for my lack of inspiration.  By the end of the day I realized it was a nice snow day full of puzzles and good food, a happy Pop Pop and pup as well as smiles on the kids.  I also found some great new blogs to follow.  I could have easily stayed on the couch all day surrounded by tissues and mugs of tea.  As Moms we don't really get the day off  and I made the best of it and my incredibly irritating coughs.  It's not always inspiring, it's never easy and its seldom glamorous but Mucinex or not...it's life and I'll take it any which way it comes.  

To NOT have swollen and puffy goldfish eyes today...

     I realize this sounds like a flake.  It's not a positive and measurable goal with a success or failure...or is it?  You see, I had a HORRIBLE night.  My 8 year old came to me around 2am with breathing difficulties.  My dog was a whining mess.  My own coughs would periodically wake me from my slumber as well.  But then the nightmare happened.  It was very vivid and very real and they are the ones that get me the worst.  In my dream I went running into my Mom's room excited about something.  I had a story to tell and a handful of the prescription drugs that she needed to get through a given day.  She was excited as always to see me and knew that a tale was about to follow.  The rest is too sad to put on all of you.  All I know is I woke up in a sob like none I've ever recalled.  

    I have been buzzing from event, to job, to blog, to task, to chore, etc and saying that I'm doing just fine.  I even let my therapist know that we could wait until later in the week because  I was "doing so well". HA!

     The truth is the dream reminded me of the loss that I've been avoiding.  So many new things happening and nobody to run in to tell about them.  No words of wisdom from a soul who, though burdensome at times, really did live for all of us. I can imagine how she might have  reacted to things or figure out the language she would have used but the substitution just doesn't seem like enough.  

     So I'm halfway through the day and the tears have welled up at least twice but I'm keeping true to today's goal. I stayed busy at work, had a nice lunch with a friend, will see my cherubs in mere minutes and will have dinner, chores, etc to keep me busy.  Tonight, if the snow is kind I will even have coffee with a friend.  Once it hits midnight, I can't make any promises.  I do promise, however, to have a more positive goal for tomorrow's new thing of the day.  

New Job

     Well I did manage to break something within a few hours...but at least this time it wasn't my heart or spirit. LOL.  I like to learn new things and this will be a great place to do so.  I appreciate the chance and look forward to drying out my soggy butterfly wings for a bit...even if it IS near a kiln.  

     As far as the sandwich goes...well, my Dad was a bit more productive this morning as his sort of way to chip in with the load.  So far it's a win, win.

One Act Winners

     Our cute little local theater (Shawnee Playhouse) had a competition for playwriting.  The winning story came to life on the stage.  There were three.  I could have lived without the first, was amused by the second but the final one made it all worth it.  It was nice to see some other types of writing now that I seem to be doing more of it lately.  It was really nice to be distracted for a few hours.  My favorite part though...it was really nice to LAUGH.

Putting myself out there...

I would constantly run to my Mom for anything. Sometimes I needed advice on a recipe or  would have a question about the kids.  Lately, it was to listen.  She would just listen.  Mom is no longer a few steps or a phone call away... so I have some time, communication and goofiness to share.

My Little Pooh Bear

     What kind of horrid mother would I be to mention one child and not the other?!? Emily...my first little wonder.  I call her my butterfly.  This kid at the age of 8 can play Bach by memory.  She is being tested for  the gifted program.  She creates art that is good enough to hang up all over the house.  She whips through chapter books in a few days.  Yet, if  I send her to get something in the house she gets lost along the way.  She'll forget what she went for and take a half hour to remember that she forgot something in the first place.  

     I take great pride in my job as a mother.  Sure I have moments of lost patience and self-deprecation but some days I just get it right.  Certain days I support during the piano practice, remind gently of chores that need to be done and encourage the spirit of a little girl who dances her way through the halls.  At times I am serious about her manners and rules of society.  Others,  I sing at the top of my lungs in the car so she sees how silly life can be.  To me, motherhood is the balance.  It is everything my Mom was to me and all of the things I might have needed in addition.  It is giving the seed the right mix of soil, sunlight, water, nutrients as well as the room to grow and blossom.  Some days it is just shutting out the world to polish the nails of a little girl.  She doesn't know it's for me as much as for her but one day as she looks at her own little peach pit - she will.  

Ethan's Pockets

     My son has always been a treat.  He ponders life.  He endears himself to people and special treasures.  He keeps track of things in an almost methodical way.  Some call him a hoarder in the making...I like to think of him as brilliantly creative, but I'm partial.  The "woobie of the day" started when he was quite young.  He would find something to cling to for dear life all day.  If that trinket was put down somewhere and "misplaced", a frantic search would ensue.  It could be any old thing but for some reason it warmed his little heart that particular day.  It could have been an action figure,  a stuffy or any other various item.  One favorite of mine was a plastic container of gummy bears complete with price sticker from the supermarket.  That one lasted for the longest period going on for what felt like an eternity.  It's not always easy to explain why your two year old is carrying a container of colorful teddies.   Won't even begin to describe the panic as the lid fell off one day at a restaurant and his "friends" spilled to the floor.   

     The woobie has progressed.  A chosen pal is picked daily for sharing his bed for the night.  A backpack sometimes holds an incredible bulk of goodies that simply HAVE to be with him for the outing.  His pockets have become a metaphorical tide pool - teeming with random bits of booty from all corners of his psyche.  It is not odd to find such things as: a peanut, a loose mint, coins needed for the quarter collection, a plastic egg and the random Star Wars lego bit.  

     Through people's fascination of what could be hiding within the small denim or coat pocket a new project has been born...#6 on my list.  

     The seed of this project was born in a second floor waiting room at Pocono Medical Center.  My friends had come to support me after we found out the terrible news.  While sitting at a desk in the nurses' station I was told via phone that my Mother had "hours" to live.  Thankfully, a chair supported me as sounds began to fade and vision began to blur.  Moments later I would be hugging my dearest friends and family.  In the midst of the waiting room a peanut was spotted coming out of my son's pocket.  Laughter and smiles snapped me back to role of Mom and I was able to relish in the moment. It was in this instant ,surrounded by those I loved, that a wonderful new idea was born.  Thanks to Ryan, Tina and Jenne for encouraging the seed to grow into something more.   Most of all I thank this little wackadoo for giving me the pause to smile and for helping me in this dark moment more than he could ever know.

    

Yoga with Leigh Ann

I have to tell you I was just way too relaxed to write this last night.  The nice ride back and forth to the session was actually part of the adventure.  It was nice to laugh and chat and catch up and ponder life all in one fun little Jeep ride.  I've dappled in yoga from time to time, here and there so I had some expectations.  It exceeded my expectations and took me on a journey.  First of all there was just me and my mat.  Nobody calling, nobody bugging, nobody doing anything.  The nice people actually stay on their own mats asking nothing of me.  I could concentrate on me...something I don't get to do very often.  I could push and pull my own body.  I could breathe.  I've been waiting a very long time to do so.  In fact, I was TOLD to breathe.  I like direction so I took it and ran with it.  By the end of the session I was drifting away into a place so divine I feel the need to find it again.  It was magical.  In the ninety or so minutes I had to concentrate, push myself, get over fear, stretch myself physically and mentally and finally had to quiet my mind.  While limp on the mat I would catch myself floating away like a balloon.  Thoughts of my to do list and my zoo pulling at my string.  Tug. Tug. Pull. Tug.  So I cut my string and just allowed the floating to happen and boy was it wonderful.  That is a brand new feeling for me.  So I did two new things yesterday...such an overachiever.  Leigh Ann, I thank you for all of it.  Namaste.  (Oh come on, you know I HAD to say it!)

Wash Your Laundry

     I have been staring at this blank box where text is supposed to be setting up shop.  Only my second entry in...and the fear is swelling.  We tend to get stuck.  I look at kids and how they dive into things at times and I get so envious.  Somewhere along the line as adults we get scared.  We get stuck.  I just mentioned that we "get stuck" for the second time thus proving my point even to myself.
      Today's "new thing" is to wash the hamper of clothes that has been sitting in my Mom's closet for a few weeks now.  I've been plowing through events, tasks, holidays, meals, and other various to do list items all as a distraction. I believe my Dad is doing the same.  Paperwork, mail and envelopes don't hold her scent or cause her voice to ring out in one's ears.  The hamper will be different.
     When you take on the roll of the lunch meat of the sandwich nobody tells you how hard it will be.  You imagine having babysitters for the little ones.  You picture movie and game nights with laughter and popcorn.  Meals at a full table where wisdom and banter abound.  At least for a little while.  I neglected to think about the other parts.  When the other parts come we get stuck.  We want the olden days of easy and simple.  We crave vitality and excitement.  Those things have been replaced by illness and exhaustion.  People are like this in general though.  They cling to the known.  They hope like hell it will just come back if they think about it hard enough.  The essence of my mother is in that hamper.  Her perfumed pjs probably buried way deep down at the bottom are waiting for me.  I am stuck.
     This year has taught me about change, loss and finding the strength to move on.  I was practicing up until now.  Each event, though huge at the time was only to be minimized by the next.  My domino rally gaining in suspense right to the little ding of the bell at the end.  It's not the laundry that is hard to wash... it's the emptying of the hamper.  It's the letting go.  The NOT being stuck. That's what is hardest.

First Post

I have threatened to start a blog for almost two years now.  Lately, I spend my days taking care of the "zoo" as I call it.  The zoo prevented the time to sit and ponder posts to said blog.  This past year has been without doubt, the hardest of my 38.  In the hopes of inspiring myself to move on in a positive way I have decided to take on something brand new each and every day.  It can be simple or complex but it has to be something I've never done before. I tend to put pressures on myself that should produce some sort of diamond by the end of the day so today I'm letting myself off the hook early.  Today's challenge: start a blog.  Check.