Hope Springs

     I would like to coin the term "mapathy".  It's what happens when a married couple lets their marriage slip into apathy.  It happens in other places as well....but not like here.  I have thought about this whole theory since college when writing different papers forced me to think of issues.  Tonight I saw the movie that served as a bookend  to the topic. 

*When you are in a sport as a child you perform for the trophy.  The win.  The medal. The title. The next colored belt.  The rank of captain.  The championship.

*When you go to school you compete for the titles that accompany it.  Prom Queen. Valedictorian.   Football captain.  President.  And finally the degree.  The certificate and gown that says you have accomplished something.  You might even go on to further your education and add an associate, bachelor,  or masters degree.  Maybe even a doctorate.  You will get to wear extra colors on your gown and walk a little bit taller across the stage.

*Someday when you grow up you will get a job.  You will be paid for it.  You will receive a check, benefits, a 401K, retirement plan, bonus, vacation, perhaps even a sick day or 20.  You will have a title on the door or a business card to pass out.  You will be included on a website or at the very least have something to write under the "info" section of Facebook.  You will receive a plaque to hang in the office if you go above and beyond and accomplish something big.  A promotion might give you a corner office.  You will buy that convertible or beach house or take that trip around the world because all of that hard work that made it possible.  A building might stand where you once put up beams.  A child might know how to read because you taught them.  The possibilities are endless.

*When you have children you will be compared always to others.  Did you breastfeed or use a family bed.  Is your child pretty, smart, tall, fit, athletic, musical, gifted and as well adjusted as the others.  You will watch them win awards and trophies and prizes...almost as if they are just an extension of you from before.  They are a product of you now aren't they?

....and then there is marriage.  You have a party...maybe a trip to celebrate.  You get gifts because for some strange reason we give gifts to people who have found someone to love.  You vow to spend the rest of your life with someone.  There is no paycheck.  No fancy title like "CEO of the Smith Couple".   In fact...there is no measuring stick.  There is no accountability.  No itemized tax return of the partnership of marriage.  No brackets or March Madness.  There is a simple pass/fail gym class type system in which we either show up for ski class or we don't.  We live together or we break up and go our separate ways.  Miserable, happy, complete, empty, rich, poor, sick, healthy.  Mapathy settles in because nothing is telling us if we are getting an A+ this semester.  There is no progress report.  There are no division championships.  There are no leads in the play.  No scholarships are given out.  Heck, we don't even get sick days or bonuses for the minimum wage job we shlep to every day.  Fantasy Football leagues have a greater measuring stick for their systems than we do for the biggest commitment we can make in our lives.  One bad habit one day leads to many bad habits for many days.  One tiny hurt here leads to fortress walls of stones there.  One lazy afternoon becomes one lazy decade.  This doesn't mean you didn't mow the lawn properly but the partnership is lost...somewhere...somehow...the apathy settles in.  We forget what we loved.  We stop fighting for what is necessary.  We back down from what is important.  We settle.  We take the path of least resistance.  We withdraw.  And somewhere in the thorns and bricks and walls and traps we lose sight of the person we couldn't live without.  The person we said we'd spend forever with.  There is no Marriage Idol or the Great Marriage Race.  If we're lucky we get a tax break or group health benefits.  And we love someone of the same sex we might not even get that even though we have committed to be with them forever.  It's really no wonder we have a huge divorce rate.  There is no prize.  It is all hard work, intrinsic motivations and struggle.  We are a society based on a value system.  Value meals, value packs, rewards, coupons, limelight deals and vouchers.  What do we get out of it??? What is the perk??? What about me???  It's why we forget New Year's resolutions by February...ditch the diets by week seven...forget our dreams and hobbies...lose touch with our friends.  Apathy settles in when there is no "payment".  But marriage...partnership...relationships...they are the hardest.  They take the most work for the least reward...especially if they are not good ones.  This doesn't mean the good ones don't exist or that they aren't possible...but I bet if you know a GOOD COUPLE you know TWO people who are working their asses off to fight the good fight.

If you are not you will end up in Hope Springs.