This one sent me straight to my computer. Might be the biggest one yet. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the concept of the Aha moment. It's when a light is turned on. When things become obvious. When clarity becomes realized. It's momentous. It might even stop the rotation of the planet for a millisecond. This one did for me.
I was having yet another huge discussion about choices and reactions. I was discussing issues, rules, challenges and plans. Analyzing and collecting data as I do. See, we go to therapy to talk things out long enough to have the light bulbs flash above our heads...not because a person with a pen will "fix" us. The light bulb illuminates what we have needed to see. I had been going to therapy off and on for years. As a couple and solo. After the death of my mother I started up again....weekly. I found myself talking about the same topics...missing her as well as my failed marriage. Week by week I noticed I talked less and less about them and more and more about me. What I needed. Wanted. What caused my behaviors. How I was responsible for many of the problems as well. There were lots of moments of clarity. Some sessions left me skipping...others battered but they were all productive. Back in March I started a new temp job that would take "therapy" day away. I was on my own for the first time in a long time. I was scared as if the training wheels were being taken off of the bike for the first time. My friends have also been swamped with their own lives. My family has been sort of busy as well. It leaves a girl with just herself. So I take each day and try to tackle another thing. I realized that my goal to lose weight this past year wasn't working. A 20lb loss turned into an 8lb gain and I was simply maintaining.
Today as I sat and talked about where lives were headed it hit me. I HAVE been going to the gym and working out like crazy and dieting and making healthy changes...but NOT for my body...for my spirit, my heart, my soul and my head. I have been hitting punching bags and taking classes and running marathons. I did a Tough Mudder. A triathlon. Wow, just like that it all made sense. You can't possibly work that hard in one place and then go to the real gym to do real exercises when you are utterly exhausted. These aren't your average self-help cute little challenges...these are the biggest I have ever dealt with. So as I was feeling weary and exhausted I would try to muster the energy for a "real" workout and just couldn't. Weeks later I felt a switch. I was doing ok without the weekly session and was using the positive vibes from teaching little kids as my fuel for the week. Things that were hard were getting simple. Just like when you do the first crunch and it's impossible but before you know it you can bang out a bunch. Things that were simple weren't even slowing me down for a pause. Sometimes unnoticed. Who sees the pebbles when the boulders are ahead...you just keep walking. Now, narrow down this journey to the last few weeks. All of a sudden another switch happened and I felt lighter and needed to get back to the gym. The one with classes and weights. I did things I had feared for a long time. I was enthusiastic and excited. Today it hit me as to why. The heart, mind, spirit and soul have lost the weight. They were obese. They were riddled with issues. I ate to fill them. I worked out hard. Each day. So I wasn't being lazy after all...I just simply didn't realize the kind of working out I had been doing. These huge challenges facing me...well...they were the next level of exercise class. The heavier weight at the end of my bar. Aha! Aha! Aha!
Now it is about maintenance. Little exercises to keep me there. Never forgetting where I came from and how hard the journey has been. Feeling lighter is beautiful. Feeling comfortable in my being is becoming the norm. It is honest. I was lucky to have "walking partners" through so much of this.
I was sitting there asking why I had to go through these things again and again....and it hit me. The workouts needed to get harder as I reached the plateaus of each level. This is why I have a sudden surge in REAL EXERCISE...because I have the energy and heart to do it. This girl hiked in the morning and walked three miles that night. That was more than I was doing in a whole month. I am excited to swim in the pool, walk in the mornings, meet up with friends on the track and the last two classes taken at the Y (Zumba and Bodypump) were the highlights of my week. I am finding my way back to the other parts of me as well and exercise was crucial throughout my entire life.
So on this regular old Wednesday...wait I take that back...I believe it's the first day of summer... a wondrous feeling brewed up within. A second Aha! It's the first day of summer. The longest day of the year and I will have my children with me to celebrate. I feel lighter in the head, heart, spirit and mind and soon enough in the body. Happy Summer everyone...may the longest day of light bring you a light you've never known!
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